Confessions of a Starving Artist

Dad always thought that laughter was the best medicine.  I guess that’s why several of us died from tuberculosis.  ~ Jack Handy

Juice from concentrate.  That’s how I knew.  It was the juice from concentrate.  When I was young that was the principal beverage in my household.  Due to nature of the size of my family, which was average, there was constantly one of those cylindrical paper cans thawing on the sideboard and one Tupperware picture full of one, which was already “mixed-up” in the refrigerator.  Growing up in a rather provincial family, our choices in those days were limited; apple, orange, or (oh please, please, please…) grape.  Come to think of it, perhaps this had some influence on my love of red wine later in life.  Could be just genetics, I suppose.  Anyway, as time went on, the fancifulness of flavor rose from within the freeze drawers.  First there was just the introduction of cranberry to the ho-hum stand-by fruits such as cran-apple or simple cranberry itself.  Finally, Tropicana’s Twisters brought us the heavenly break-through flavors of banana-pineapple, raspberry mango, and cran-raz!  Oh to think the patient marketing ploy of these juices kept me and my sister blissful unaware of soda or Kool-aid for nearly fifteen years!

Fast forward another fifteen.  I’m walking with my pregnant wife down the frozen food section of the commissary.  The bottom of our cart is laden with two twelve-packs of soda to replace the two twelve-packs that are currently in our refrigerator.  Gatorade bottles adorn the top of cart’s sides while an industrial-sized container of Gatorade mix lines the bottom.  Somewhere two energy drinks are nestled in tightly with the rest of the groceries.  We stop to get something from the massive freezers when we see them.  The section is not nearly as large as it was when I was a child, and the selection is far from expansive.  Elle says to me, “what is that?” 

“It’s juice,” I replied, “Juice from concentrate.” 

At that moment, I was ready. 

Happy Father’s Day dad.

The question, “Who ought to be the boss?” is like saying, “Who ought to be the tenor in the quartet?”  Obviously, the man who can sing tenor.  ~ Henry Ford Sr.

I’ve been trying to get back into current events over the past few weeks.  I guess that’s a bit ironic for a guy who just left Washington DC, but there is something to be said for seeing the forest for the trees… and even more to being completely out of the woods in the first place.  That being said, I’m knee-deep into periodicals and perspectives concerning our latest and greatest endeavors across the pond.  With the correct eye for publication, one can quickly discern between the nonsensical point-of-view drivel and the more interesting ‘takes’ on what is or isn’t going on.  Regardless, it’s always more interesting when you get to see the subject matter first-hand in the near future. 

Getting caught up on things often means all things both acknowledged and unbeknownst.  Some things which I perceived to be well within the realm of normalcy were not.  Besides office politics (which are never as dormant as the absent often think that they are), I was rather surprised to learn that the military’s budget was in the cross-hairs of the media once again.  Granted it was almost a half of a year ago, but I thought that this issue was laid to rest?  Remember, President Obama cut a bunch of outrageously expensive gee-wizz programs like the Stealth Attack Boat and the Fighter Jet with a “lay-zer” eye on it?  Then Pres. Obama said that all the money that we cut was going to go right back into militarily funding the average ground-pounder who had been being neglected (more-or-less) for the last several years.  The end state was that the American public would not see a great deal of face-value change in the Defense Budget, but that a significant amount for fiscal reallocation was going on.  I thought that we were all pretty much fine with that. 

Guess not.  Not quite sure if any of this amounts to more than normal budgetary review for year 2011, but Secretary of Defense Gates has been jumping through the ol’ Senate review committee hopes lately.  Unfortunately, it’s received only fringe coverage unless you enjoy watching CSPAN, which I’m certain that nobody does.  However, one of the sound bites that grabbed me was something to the effect that it is care for wounded veterans and the VA are swallowing the Defense Budget and will for years and years to come.  I am paraphrasing of course, but he went on to say that this was one of the largest drains on our Force.

Let me offer up a different take on the idea of where our money is going.  I’m not going to disagree… completely.  I can tell you for certain that the billboard-style advertisements in the Pentagon subway stations are all for large military/industrial corporations, which naturally weasel a place into the funding process… and that’s fine; it has its place.  Certainly, some must go to the fallen, which also is only right and also has its place.  But what doesn’t get talked about price tag of the bureaucracy itself, namely the Officer Corps. 

This may come off as highly ironic considering that I am an Officer myself.  Fair enough.  But let’s not confuse opinion with reading the writing on the wall.  In 1945 at the height of WWII, there was one flag officer (at the time Full Colonel or above) to approximately every 6,000 soldiers.  To better understand that number, that is roughly two of today’s Brigade Combat Teams, which is around seven or eight Battalions.  Also, at that time, America’s Army was roughly four times the size which it is now!  Today, there is one flag officer (a General Officer is now considered more commonly to be a flag officer) for every 1,423 soldiers, the amount of personnel in about half of a modern brigade… which is commanded by single Full Bird Colonel.  Without going further, even the layman can image the host of Lieutenant Colonels, Majors, and Captains must exist to feed and sustain this number.

Though I do not have the exact number of Officers by rank serving currently in the US Army, I do have an understanding of their pay scale, and to be frank, I am a fan.  To be clear, the natural attrition rates of an all-volunteer Army during wartime is has little to do with the Army itself.  The current joke within my peers is that our promotion program should be referred to as ‘No Captain Left Behind”.  Promotion rate to Major last year within my Branch was 98% passing over only those Officers with DUIs, spousal abuse charges, or histories of gross neglect, which is also open to interpretations.  (I knew an Officer who lost a 30ft missile off the back of his truck in the Iraqi desert… and still was promoted to Major)  The vast majority of the time the Officer himself is the deciding factor on when he or she leaves the military for good.  That being so, the rank of Full Bird Colonel can often be reached nowadays with time and perseverance rather than merit, though herein lies the glass ceiling for those relatively talentless personnel.  Nevertheless, at this point they are fixtures as well as dinosaurs, extremely capable of making echoing bad decisions for effectually as long as they like.  Here’s the kicker though: While it is common knowledge that Generals receive their month salary for the rest of their lives (Brigadier Generals or One-Stars with 25 years of service make $11,381.60 a month plus benefits and several considerable stipends), what is less commonly known that any other rank may increase the percentage of retirement for staying on additional years past 20.  I was recently told of a Full Bird Colonel who retired after 33 years of service (he was 55 years old) and will be making 85% of his current salary for the rest of his life… which came out to about $8,710 a month.

I’m sure that somewhere in a tiny office in the corner of that puzzle-palace that is the Pentagon someone has run the HR projection on this.  At least, I hope so.  Either way, while I am sure that certain wounded veterans require expensive care, such an expensive is a natural product of war.  Official procedure and red tape is not.  I would be curious to see which is currently costing the tax payers more… and which will end up cost the tax payer in the long run.

I’ll close with a short prediction of my own.  I expect Afghanistan to play itself out with whatever Gen. McChrystal has in store for us; however, afterwards, I foresee Officer purges similar to those under President Clinton. The fat will be trimmed and soon.  The real question for me is to see how much that improves the mobility and function of the Army as a whole.  I’m going to say bunches!

Is marijuana addictive?  Yes, in the sense that most of the really pleasant things in life are worth endlessly repeating.  ~ Richard Neville

The past several months that have left me situated within the hum-drum roar of Washington, DC gave me ample time to discuss at length all manners of perspectives with regard to all things America.  Certainly, I have not agreed with all, but disagreements in a city of politicians are often few are far between for the truly objective man as politics themselves are a matter of perspective. As most grand policies, practices or even nefarious schemes all stem from the graceful art establishing a clear and distinct perspective on a given play of circumstance.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Media used to redefine the perspective, at times clarifying further or reestablishing the perspective under a societal ‘right’, but nowadays our news networks seek only to deepen the one of two given point of views, miring us in the throes of tit-suckling pundits, entrenched party favorites, and self-proclaimed unbiased editorialization… a category which I am fully aware of belonging to.  However, while I do possess a degree of self-loathing for my own personal lack of action at the ideals I expose here in this forum, I would like to set one part of the record straight.  The following entries will be a reestablishing of perspective, that is to say, I would like to address some issues that are currently not being addressed within our media or our national capital and strategies that could serve our people.  The fullest scope of America was our resourcefulness once, our ability to address issues close to our homes, our friends, and our hearts.  I only offer some original thought.

Largely, the majority of this somewhat ‘Clancy-an’ stratagem depends upon several moving pieces all in a condition of perpetual action over the course of what has to be several years.  With anything that takes years, one must be willing to revise and reform the pyridine, something that our media has made certain no politician will be willing to do lest professional suicide be a career goal.  Things must be done compartmentalized, independent, and seemingly unrelated.  Therefore, an extremely far reaching level of duplicity and cunning must be possessed not only to deceive our enemies, but also our allies, both at home and abroad.  Our departments of propaganda are sorely lacking as is our stock of men who play chess rather than checkers within the game of life, so any public disclosure should be one-dimensional or avoided completely.  Still, to give example to the reasonableness of a request to plan, to retrieve the floundering nature of our country from this sad juncture within our history and wrestle back our identity from the name-callers and cowardly bullies of the world, I will demonstrate that even a simple and modest Officer of the Republic such as myself can offer a suitable solution.  Let us begin.

Like all things, we start small as not to be noticed.  Nonetheless, we start with the most critical of all moves.  No, we do not galvanize some sort of national “cause” through fear or patriotism.  Such things against the back-drop of the status quo are far too uncertain, too unpredictable, too expensive to be considered effective or in this case, necessary.  We do not need to argue over leadership; certainly one is as good as the other, especially when both sides of the coin had had several years each to play out upon the public.  And no, it’s not the people who must be changed as after all the masses are only movements of the herd upon the land.  None of these common thoughts should be considered the logical keystone.  What must be done to affect all three equally is cut the anchor within each; shake the very landscape, shatter the status quo. 

Admittedly, this is over-dramatic, but important for later.  Let’s return to the simple.  Before we restore a country, let’s restore a State.  Maine is not unlike many other States, fridge to more economically developing parts of the country.  Such rural communities are either giving way to commercial-conglomerates and a sexy suburban PC living standard or dying out slowly by economic siege.  With the exception of the southern coastal region, Maine is unquestionably disappearing.  As an ironic case in point, my K-8^th grade school was sold at auction this year for 40K dollars and will likely be turned into a retirement community.  I can count on my hands the number of twenty or thirty year old couples who have moved into my district in the past ten years, and none of them have been for economic betterment or debatably even by choice.  The small amount of youth in the area are comprised of those who could not leave either due to financial helplessness or by academic lethargy, which inevitably leads to the former. 

Facts.  Maine is in an economic down-turn, a big one.  Public sector programs are taking the largest hit because an eligible tax base is drying up, leaving for greener pastures.  Less money for education leads to desperate moves within an already drying up education community, leaving the youth the bulk of the suffering.  Lessening education has led to younger and younger families with less income and more State dependence; notably, a wicked downward spiral.  Nevertheless, Maine’s number one industry remains tourism, not lumber or fishing as one may suspect.  Still, State politicians and local leaders have advocated for large corporations to enter into the State, often slashing red tape and long standing environmental regulations in order for their contracts and blue-collar work-force to come into impoverished communities.

As I said before, the key to change is real change.  Leveling the playing field with a bulldozer is expensive and unlikely, and just moving people off is not unlikely to be permanent enough.  What is required is an earthquake, with everything needed to remodel waiting in the wings. 

We legalize marijuana. 

Remember, this is about playing chess.  Maine was chosen for this example because it a State that both has the will and requirement.  More accurately, Maine has nearly legalized the marijuana three times in the past fifteen years, and being the first and only State to legalize marijuana would not only assist the economy, but cause it to explode.  First, the State must provide top cover for fledgling farms such as public/private sector medical marijuana contracts and nominal funding and resourcing.  During this time, a near-covert office of the State assists and advises these private citizens in matter of security, agricultural advice and assistance, and managerial affairs.  Once these farmers are prepared to support the next step, the State, using all or select publicity from these successful ‘medical projects’ as well as the projected positive benefits from expansion and legalization, a timely referendum is introduced.  With all the effort the State can muster, the bill passes.  Now, the farms energize the private sector of the State by attracting equal parts blue-collar agriculturalists and the white-collar business-savvy from all over the United States.  In additional to the obvious usage of the plant, farms are now also free to manufacture clothes and rope products, which remain superior to cotton in many respects, increase that area of the workforce as well.  The local and national media exposure will launch the tourist industry to new heights, shifting the focus of the State three-fold.  First, spinning the legalization and assisting with the tourism promotion will only enable the expansion of private sector within the State.  Secondly, creating a sustainable and realistic taxation of this new crop then becomes the top priority, with returns going directly into the wallowing educational, healthcare, and economical departments within the rural districts that are home to these farms.  Undoubtedly, if handled professionally, these large corporate contracts that the State is currently trying so hard to court may come on their accord if the relative welfare of the State as a whole rises systematically.  Finally, the State must insure that the nature of the tourism remains.  In other words, the center of tourist’s trip must remain the State itself and not simply the marijuana.  Thus, the States adherence to strong environmentalism must continue, though a quiet backseat driver.  Also, with the focus of law enforcement now free of monitoring marijuana trafficking, another resource of the State is freed up. 

Could this happen?  Certainly.  A new Governor will be elected come this fall; now stands as the perfect time to begin lobbying and prepositioning of assets for the first farms.  All candidates should be made privy to this, though quietly and compartmentalized so as to avoid bringing this into the political theater too soon and by such, kill the idea before it has a chance to live.  Harvests could be expected as early as spring 2011 with legalizations perhaps on the ballot for that fall.  (this will be important later)  The rest will follow.

What’s the motivation for a Maine politician to try something like this?  Two reasons.  One, any Mainer who has lived in the State (other than the affluent southern coast) understands that nearly all of Maine considers marijuana to be currently legal regardless as much of rural Maine has not been policed acutely since collapse of the War on Drugs.  Second, because legalization of the drug would create such a massive rift in the fabric of the American market, success would mean political fame and vision the likes of which money couldn’t even think to buy.  Even in failure, the notoriety would earn such an individual a place in the spotlight until his or her death.

California is among the extremely small list of other States who could potentially legalize marijuana as well.  It has been estimated that if they did, California could pull itself from the single largest State debt in the country within two fiscal years!  The visibility of the California political landscape too far reaching for their current Governor to attempt such a coup.  Should Maine set the precedent, I think more than just California would follow in suit.  Arizona and New Mexico would consider legalization as would Oregon, Washington, and several other New England States, perhaps even parts of the mid-west.  Even still, the idea of legalizing marijuana nationally would still be at least ten years off should the most favorable of these scenarios come to fruition.  That is, however, not important.  The fact that certain parts of the United States will legalize the recreational use of the drug will become immensely important with what will follow…

I don’t fiddle or edit or change while I’m going through that first draft.  ~ Nora Roberts

I’m not quite sure how this happened, though I think that it may have been a number of things.  Perhaps it had to do with their AFC North Championship.  Perhaps it was simply the fact that I had time to watch every game this year and be an active fan.  And perhaps still it was that Brian Leonard and Mike Zimmer reminded me of a more bad-ass version of Billy and Jimmy Lee from Double Dragon.  Who knows these things?  Whatever the reason, I have not been able to let go of the Bengals 2009 NFL football season insofar as that it may actually never end and rather meld into this up-coming season opener.  Who-motherfuckin-dey!

Being involved whole-heartedly in the politics, players, and social undercurrents of a professional football team inevitably leads to being somewhat intimate with others, whether planned or not.  In order to understand the dynamic of say wide receiver free agency, you must understand the needs for wide receivers on other teams, notably within your own division though perhaps this has less of an effect on the chess-game of personnel marketing.  While this aspect of the season could be several posts in and of itself, I still remain sure of the point; my near maniacal interest in the Bengals this off-season has lead me to understand more of the NFL than I thought necessary by anyone who was not an active employee of ESPN.  Perhaps they are looking for a new analyst… if it got me out of DC, I might consider it.

All that being said, and this being an unprecedented year in football for the Guttersnake, I will do something in this forum that I have never done before: The first ever Never-In-The-Nati Mock Draft 2010.   Here I will break down for you the likely first round draft picks of all 32 NFL teams in order to give you the a bit of a preview of what your team may or may not be up to come Draft Day.  So without wasting too much more time let the first annual NIT-Nati Draft get started!  

…and pay attention to this post; I am going to update this if some more crazy McNabb trades go down … (final update: 20 April 2010)

1. The Saint Louis Rams – Sam Braford, QB, Oklahoma.  The first four picks are about as close to a lock as I can figure, and Sam Braford is probably the most sure thing.  While it is widely disputed whether he or Jimmy Clausen will make a better NFL starting quarterback, The Rams have been courting Braford for nearly two months now, and it’s likely that a salary deal has already been reached.  Release of Marc Bulger simply shows that a new franchise quarterback is coming to St. Louis.  Oh, and if your surprised by this pick, you’ve been living under a rock.

2.  The Detroit Lions – Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska.  This guy is to a defensive line what Superman is to The Justice League: Huge.  I do not think that it is too much to say that Suh can single-handedly make a defensive line go from good to WTF?!  True, Matthew Stafford does need to get some new blood in front of him as well, and for this drafting Russell Okung makes a really (really) good argument, but it’s a deep draft for offensive line talent, which something The Lions can easily make up with their extremely early second round pick.  Addition: With the departure of Ernie Sims, the defensive line now takes a much sharper edge in terms of team needs.  With Suh, a handful more early picks and the strong free-agency work shown by Detroit in the past few months, this team may get much needed spark of life next season.  Is .500 too much to ask?  I don’t think so.  Calling it.

3.  The Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma.  Tampa Bay needs, well, a little of everything.  While these guys have a ton of options here, and Suh not likely, I think that the Bucs will take McCoy with their first pick.  He’s just too good not to take, and at this point for Tampa Bay, you’ve got to just take the best thing out there regardless; they were that bad last season… for what it’s worth, I think that they’ll be that bad again this season.

4.  The Washington Redskins – Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma.  With Donovan McNabb at the helm, it’s starting to get really exciting in Washington.  Mike Shanahan promised the Capital City change, and it looks like that is what it is going to get!  Remember, Shanahan, aside from coaching great quarterbacks to further greatness, also routinely churned out 1,000 yard rushers in Denver.  That’s something he won’t be able to do with this offensive line.  Williams, while perhaps not as high on everyone’s boards as Russell Okung, fits better with Mike Shanahan’s offensive array.  At this point, I think it’s safe to say that Mike is going make the team in his image and no one else’s.  …and though it doesn’t have anything to do with the draft, I want to go on record saying that at the end of last season, I predicted that Washington would win the NFC East this year.  Calling it.

5.  The Kansas City Chiefs – Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State.  (UPDATE) I said it before, I think that KC is a hard nut to figure out.  The Chiefs have two central needs: to protect Matt Cassel and to stop their secondary from sucking.  If Russell Okung goes to the Skins, then it’s likely that KC will draft Eric Berry at safety; however, if Okung is still on the board, it’s going to be hard for them to pass up such a key player at such a key position.  Which is an awful catch-22 for Kansas City; there are four awesome safeties this year in the draft and all will be gone before the Chiefs can pick again.  Then it hit me: draft down.  I think that there is an EXTREME likelihood that the Chiefs will draft down to get more out of this year’s.  It could be the idea of paying for Okung or it could be that they just don’t like their prospects, either way, I just got this weird hunch.  Still, a mock draft doesn’t account for those sort of variables, so I’m saying they go with Okung.  Honestly, this could go either way and could be the first subtle shake-up in this year’s draft.

6.  The Seattle Seahawks – CJ Spiller, RB, Clemson.  I think the draft day fun really starts right here with Seattle’s pick.  As I said before, it will be very interesting to see how they work this one out as this is both new Head Coach Pete Carroll and new GM John Schneider’s first draft.  While there is still some chatter about Jimmy Clausen roosting here, I think that Carroll made his QB call with Charlie Whitehurst as a successor to Matt Hasselbeck.  Still, the Seahawks have two first round picks, both likely to be on the offensive side of the ball.  Bryan Bulaga, while a popular favorite for this draft pick, would likely leave Spiller exposed for too many other teams before Seattle could have their second first round pick.  Does Carroll chance it?  No way.  Seattle was sacked 44 times last year, and with a new quarterback change, you have to make fixing that statistic a first priority… that’s why got two first round picks!  Spiller goes at no. 6 because he won’t be around at no14.  Let me address this again at no.13…

7.  The Cleveland Browns – Eric Berry, S, Florida.  I know, I know, Joe Haden has been the favorite here, but as it looks like the early teams picks are going to be on their lines, then it’s a no brainer that Berry is more of an impact player.  Also with this pick, you’ve got to look at the AFC North. With the Bengals, Steelers, and Ravens all gearing up for massive passing offenses, the Browns have to look at six games this season where their secondary is guaranteed to be critical. Signing Sheldon Brown is step one, drafting Eric Berry is step two. Delhomme is likely a short term answer, but with him, Cribbs, and Massaquoi on the roster, I can’t see Cleveland spending a first round pick on a QB or a WR… not this year.

8.  The Oakland Raiders – Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers.  (UPDATE) I’m not really much of a Raider’s fan, but in the season, I drink with a few.  Talking to them recently, I have gotten more than an earful about the horrors of Al Davis… and I thought Mike Brown was bad?  Bruce Campbell is easily the mock draft favorite to go to Oaktown, but after last year’s bust, even ol’ Al might go for something a little more safe, even if it isn’t totally smart.  Davis fits the bill and is a smarter choice than Campbell.  With Bryan Buluga still on the board, he could slip into a niche here, which would admittedly be a great pick by Oakland, but too much tunnel vision on draft day surrounds the Raiders.  On a completely unrelated note, I still would love to see Jimmy Clausen end up here, but that fat tub of ass Russell is sucking up too much of a paycheck for this franchise to be able to hit another first round QB.  It’s not so bad with Bruce Gradkowski will likely start this season… we’ll see… 

9.  The Buffalo Bills – Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame.  And there it is.  I do not see how this team can afford to not draft this guy.  Terrell Owens is gone, Josh Reed is gone.  The Bills will not pass up Clausen… unless of course he isn’t there.  If for some wild reason Seattle or Cleveland snag him early, then I will have a hard time with this call.  Without Clausen I wouldn’t be surprised if Buffalo drafts Colt McCoy in the second round.  Then this pick likely becomes Mike Iupati or another big offensive line meat-eater.  For the record, this is the most critical pick in the draft.  Without Clausen, Buffalo will be the worst team in the NLF in 2010. 

10.  The Jacksonville Jaguars  – Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida.  The Jags are a wicky-wacky team going into this draft.  They have some very serious needs, first and foremost selling tickets.  To fix that, I stand by the prediction that somehow, someway Jacksonville will leave the draft with Tim Tebow… but not in this round.  The addition of Aaron Kampman boosts the rush, but adding Pierre-Paul makes it explosive, something that is needed for a team that has to complete with Peyton Manning in its division.  However, I would not be surprised if they took Dez Bryant here either.  Keep in mind, that Jacksonville does not have a second round pick, and if they have Tebow in their hearts and minds and ticket stubs then it’s possible that the Jags hedge their bets and try to pair two potential (however long shot) NFL stars.  The only other name I’ve heard thrown around would be Earl Thomas, but this team seems to be more committed to pass-rush than secondary improvement, at least at this point.

11.  The Denver Broncos – Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama.  (UPDATE)  Okay, I flip-flopped here again.  I know there is a need at wide receiver, why would Josh McDaniels trade one diva receiver for another.  I am hedging this bet back to McClain, citing one of the same reasons why Cleveland won’t take Clausen – the coach just doesn’t want to deal with him.  The Broncos still have a huge glaring need at linebacker, however; they have a glaring need for a few other things too, which means it’s now just a question of prioritizations.  Casey Weigmann went back to the Chiefs, leaving massive (no pun intended) need for a new center, something to consider before the up-coming training-camp quarterback war with Brady Quinn and Kyle Orton.  But I do agree spending a no. 11 pick on a center seems, well, dumb.  I’m not totally ruling out Denver taking a wide receiver in an attempt to grow a Bryant-Quinn passing duo.  Dez Bryant could still go here, but it’s below a 40% chance right now.  A real surprise would be Maurkice Pouncey.  That would be a first-round shocker!!

12.  The Miami Dolphins – Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee.  Bill Parcells has drafted a linebacker every year for six straight years.  While part of me thinks that he’d do it again if Rolando McClain or perhaps Jason Pierre-Paul are still on the board, the other part of me is viewing this trend a commitment to the defensive side of the ball.  Jason Ferguson is 35 years old this season, and the ‘Fins need to consider that.  The acquisition of Brandon Marshall won’t effect this call… in case you’re wondering.

13.  The San Francisco ‘49ers – Joe Haden, CB, Florida.  This is a do-or-die pick for the Niners.  They got a run game to fix but, thanks to Sheldon Brown’s departure, a gaping hole in the secondary.  Wisely (I hope) Seattle realizes this and robs a division rival of a need by snagging CJ Spiller early.  Now, San Fran does have a second first round pick at no. 17 (just four more down the line!) but can they get all of what they need?  If Seattle is passes up CJ Spiller, then San Francisco will draft him here.  Why?  Because no one will take Haden between now and no. 17, which means the Niners make out like bandits, and Seattle will get a lineman and some loose change.  However, I think that Pete Carroll is going to see this playing out, and that leaves Haden as the clear choice for the ‘49ers.

14.  The Seattle Seahawks – Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa.  (UPDATE)  We know that Seattle had to choose between CJ Spiller and Bryan Bugala.  As you probably noticed, I switched up my earlier pick to Bugala, in order to rob the 49er’s of a running back.  The second part of this calculated passing over of Bulaga is understanding the chances of him still being here.  Looking back, the only team that could legitimately consider drafting Bulaga is Oakland… and I think Carroll will take that chance.  Worst case scenario, the Seahawks draft a different offensive tackle like Anthony Davis or Charles Brown.  However; Dez Bryant is still lingering around and they may add him to the roster in lieu of not acquiring Brandon Marshall in free agency.  More interesting would be to see if Pete Carroll drafts Taylor Mays here.  While it might be a bit early for him in this draft, the x-factor may be that Carroll has coached Mays for the past four years at USC at safety, a position that the Seahawks could use an up-grade in.  Bottom line – Seattle could do pretty much anything with this pick if they take Spiller early.

15.  The New York Giants – Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri (UPDATE) This seems like a fairly simple call.  With the CJ Spiller unavailable, then I think that the G-Men will go with the next best linebacker to McClain in order to replace Antonio Peirce.  This may be too high for Weatherspoon, but New York has needs.

16.  The Tennessee Titans – Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech.  Tennessee could go two ways with this pick.  The fan favorite would be Kyle Wilson in the secondary, but with Earl Thomas still out there, he would make the safer pick.  Still, the Titans are more likely to draft a defensive end; it’s just their style.  Lots of mock drafts have Jason Pierre-Paul here, and I could see that.  It all depends on how Jacksonville picks.  Those two teams could easily flip the choices I’ve laid out for them and walk away happy.

17.  The San Francisco ‘49ers – Charles Brown, OT, USC.  By picking up Joe Haden, the secondary  is a bit more solidified, but a strong free safety is still a big need… almost as big a need as fixing the offensive line.  Brown a good pick and the best offensive tackle left at this point in the draft.  Of course, should Seattle do something silly with second pick (like take Taylor Mays), then you could see Anthony Davis in red and gold come next season rather than Brown.  And while I’m not ruling out the Niners picking Earl Thomas or Taylor Mays or even Kyle Wilson, I just don’t see the NFC West as a division with a huge passing threat (even if the prodigal son Sam Bradford comes to St. Louis).  A better line means that a second round running back has a better chance to succeed.    

18.  The Pittsburgh Steelers – Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida.  (UPDATE) Big change up here.  Pouncey’s name started circulating last week sometime and now his all chatter.  He’s not quite as big as Mike Iupati, though perhaps just as good.  The upside is that he is a born center who can play at guard, rather than a guard who might be able to play tackle.  Pittsburgh needs a center, and Pouncey could provide depth and versatility to the Steelers were Iupati might not.  Ben is a quarterback who is concussion susceptible and his protection sucks. To ignore that at your primary need is just dumb. While the Steelers also need to fix the situation at corner back, because as we all saw last year, they kinda got this one guy who does do it all. …and he does break.  However, a guy like Pouncey isn’t something you can pass on when you need to fix your quarterback protection just as much… too bad he doesn’t moonlight as a defense lawyer. (burn!)  Interesting as well, as the loss of Santino Holmes will certainly effect the passing game, it’s wholly possible that Dez Bryant could go here.  It’s common knowledge that receivers take a year or two in the NFL to mature and Hinds Ward isn’t getting any younger.  But, with the Jets not likely to select a receiver now, I think that it is safe to say that Byant will be the only receiver selected in the first round. If that’s the case, the Steelers would still be in a great position to get someone worth a damn in the second round.

19.  The Atlanta Falcons – Brandon Graham, DE, Michigan.  This one just seems easy.  Thomas Dimitroff has drafted the last three years on value to needed positions and it has worked out alright so far.  This year, what Atlanta needs is a defensive end.  This other than my first three picks, this may be the pick that I am most sure of.

20.  The Houston Texans – Earl Thomas, S, Texas.  Tough choice for the Texans.  The two great players at positions they need, running back and corner / safety, are still in the draft at their pick… and they can only have one.  I suppose things could be worse?  Running back Ryan Matthews will be the definite if Thomas is gone by pick no. 20, which he very well could be (I honestly am having a hard time figuring out how he fell this far…), but Houston won’t take Matthews over Thomas.  This team’s seems to have a single focus: to beat Peyton Manning and the Colts and win the AFC South.  You just can’t do that with a less-than-awesome secondary. 

21.  The Cincinnati Bengals – Mike Iupati, G, Idaho.  (UPDATE) I could be my subconscious forcing me to make a mock draft so that in some parallel world the Bengals draft Iupati, but I don’t think so.  Every football insider has us taking Dez Bryant or Jermaine Gresham.  Why would they do that?  They passed on Terrell Owens for a fraction of what Bryant would cost, and he could bring just as much headache.  And true, Jermaine Gresham is a great player, but there are going to be so many more of them available in the second round!  There is only one 6’5” 350lb Somoan wall out there to protect Carson Palmer.  He would be the best pick for Cincinnati at this point in the draft.  Lastly, there is the temptation to draft Taylor Mays.  Again, not a bad pick, but Cinci has Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall in the secondary already.  Hopefully, Mike Brown resists the urge for a new safety in the first round.  Mays would be a good pick only if Iupati is does not fall to no. 21.

22.  The New England Patriots –  Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma.  (UPDATE) Another switch back.  Maybe it’s a long shot, but I believe that Bryant will fall this far.  Wes Welker will not likely be back until mid-season, and even then, who knows how ‘back’ he’ll really be.  Randy Moss only has one more year with the Pats, and if New England and Cincinnati taught us anything last year, it was that a single marquee receiver is not enough to keep an offence buoyant in today’s NFL.  Having Tom Brady doesn’t mean anything if he doesn’t have anyone to throw to, and Bryant adds much needed depth and one more weapon.  Best to get start him maturing in the NFL now and under someone like Brady and Moss… however, on the off chance they do, my thoughts are Jermaine Gresham, a real two-for-one as an offensive passing threat and a tight end.  Also there is Jared Odrick at defensive end or Matthew Ryan at running back.  It could happen.  The Pats also lack a legimate go-to running back, so I’m not ruling this pick either.  In short, the Pats got options.   

23.  The Green Bay Packers – Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State.  (UPDATE) I’m fifty-fifty between Kyle Wilson and Charles Brown.  Green Bay found out late last year that Aaron Rogers’ line wasn’t as strong as it was perceived to be.  An offensive tackle would be the best call at this point help put that fire out, but corner back is still a big need also.  The Pack did sign Chad Clifton, which may work out and may not – his knees could be his Achilles heel.  Nonetheless, I don’t think that Brown will be here at this point, and Wilson is a fan-favorite in Green Bay.  Devin McCourty is another great corner that has just as good a chance to find himself in green and yellow.  And don’t forget that Maurkice Pouncey is still around, and, while not a tackle by trade, could be a really strong addition if Green Bay thinks he can make the adjustment.  Any of these could be the no. 23 pick.  

24.  The Philadelphia Eagles – Taylor Mays, S, USC.  (UPDATE) Maybe it’s McNabb leaving, but every football know-it-all in lower forty-eight has their two cents on who the Eagles need to draft… and none of them are the same.  So here’s mine: with a completely reworked defensive that is controversial at best, one can make a very strong argument that a defensive end, tackle, or linebacker should be this pick.  The same argument could be made with Jamaal Jackson’s return still up in the air and a need at the center position serving as the proverbial elephant in the room.  Nonetheless, I’m keying in on Sheldon Brown’s departure.  Asante Samuel is an aging corner who, due to contract figures, likely will not play with the Eagles next year, but in the meantime he needs help.  Big time.  Samuel is a horrible tackler and blocker, and Mays is a monster in both departments.  Everyone is talking about risks stiffness with regards to Mays; I think the risk for Philadelphia is not drafting him.

25.  The Baltimore Ravens – Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma. (UPDATE)  As a Bengals fan, it’s one thing have to pass up on a huge need at tight end in the draft, but it’s a real kick in the junk to have the best tight end go to your only serious division rival this year.  Jermaine Gresham is a great addition to Joe Flacco’s growing arsenal of targets, and he’s a top-notch tight end.  Sure Jared Odrick is still on the boards and would certainly bring Baltimore’s pass-rush up a few notches, I don’t think that the the over-all make of the Ravens would be enhanced too much by this pick, but one can hope.  He’s there only real other option at this point in the draft.

26.  The Arizona Cardinals – Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas.  (UPDATE) The Cards, despite what would appear to be critical departures from their quarterback and marquee wide receiver, are still sitting fairly okay.  Partially that has to do with the fact that they are atop in the NFC West, which is akin to being the fastest kid at the Special Olympics.  Nevertheless, the biggest need for Arizona is easily some new blood at the linebacker position.  If the picks go the way I see it thus far, this is a no-brainer call for the Cardinals. 

27.  The Dallas Cowboys – Nate Allen, S, USF.  Dallas wants Mike Iupati, like Mike Iupati wants the red light to come on at Krispy Kreme.  But if he is still here at this point in the draft, I’ll buy everyone who posts a comment on this blog a warm, fresh box o’ donuts.  The biggest need in Dallas right now is a big upgrade in the offensive line.  Center Maukice Pouncey is a logical choice, so are tackles Roger Saffold and Charles Brown, any of which would work out fine here.  But at no. 27 in the draft and a glaring need, there is really only one legitimate first or second round worthy safety left in the draft.  I think Jerry Jones will try to pull some draft-day fireworks to deal with the o-line problem and in the meantime make a bee-line at Nate Allen.  

28.  The San Diego Chargers – Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno State.  I know that this one seems really easy, but it’s not.  With LaDainian Tomlinson gone this team does have to either invest in great potential running back or figure out how it is going to reinvent itself.  Other than CJ Spiller, Matthews is the top running back this year and definitely has the prospective.  What is going to make this really tough on the Chargers is if Jared Odrick is still around.  More than a running game, San Diego needs to a major patch at defensive end.  Likely the plan is to salvage the offense with Matthews and with a later pick, stop the bleeding on defense.  But Odrick, who should in all rights probably not fall this far in the draft, could do more than just fix the problem, he might be able to solve it. 

29.  The New York Jets – Jared Odrick, DE, Penn State.  (UPDATE) Orginally, I had the Jets taking Demaryius Thomas, but with acquision of dubious wide reciever Santonino Holmes to the roster, I think that their need on the wings might drop down a bit.  Odrick is a monster pick this late in the draft and a huge addition to an already powerful defensive squad.   A young Demaryius Thomas might still be added here as could Golden Tate.  Unlikely though.

30.  The Minnesota Vikings – Kareem Jackson, DB, Alabama.  Unless Brett Farve retires, the Vikings really aren’t hurting anywhere in terms of immediate needs… except for corner.  Cedric Griffin’s injury in last year’s final game has him unlikely to return in time for this season, and Antoine Winfield is perpetually hobbled.  The secondary is where Minnesota needs new blood… that and if Farve needs a hip replacement. 

 31.  The Indianapolis Colts – Rodger Saffold, OT, Indiana.  (UPDATE) The Colts want Mike Iupati or Maurkice Pouncey, but it won’t happen.  By the time Indiana gets a chance to get a new level of protection for Peyton Manning it will be Saffold.  It could be Vladimir Ducasse or Bruce Campbell, but really, we are getting into second round talent at this point. 

32.  The New Orleans Saints – Everson Griffin, DE, USC.  (UPDATE) Doesn’t matter how, it works for the Saints who need help all over the defensive side of the ball.  Too many members of that Super Bowl winning defense have left recently, and if New Orleans wants to do have a shot at the big game again, they have to rebuild their line and secondary.  Brian Price is a good call to land at the Super Dome’s doorstep, and Nate Allen could be too if Dallas goes another way with their pick.  No matter what though, this pick with be defensive. 

So for those of you who are still reading, first of all, well done.  The big take away for this first round is going to be the number of safeties and corners; four safeties and two corners by my predictions.  It’s a passing NFL right now, and that is evident in the number of quarterbacks and wide recievers that are not needed and will be passed over.  The answer is going to be, for lots of teams, secondary improvements which can give pass-rushers that extra second to smear head-liner quarterbacks and bigger offensive lines to negate just that.

This was an epic project that was way more work that any Bracketology or NFL Preview post combined.  What’s worse, I’m not quite sure why I did it.  Bragging rights I guess.  …and you know what?  If I’m anywhere close to correct on, well, any of this… you poor bastards will never hear the end of it.  Likely though, I won’t get a single comment and only half of these correct.  Too bad and ah well.  Guess I’ll have to wait ‘til the 22^nd of April.

WHODEY!!!  

Life is like riding a bicycle.  To keep your balance you must keep moving.  ~ Albert Einstein

For those of you who know (or remember) your ol’ pal Guttersnake, you’ll understand that control is a love / hate factor within my life.  Logically, I hate an over-abundance of control within anything as it tends to blind one to the more anarchical elements of life, which, debatably, is life itself.  Unfortunately, if left unchecked, control tends to creep into the routine, the atrophied, and the taken-for-granted portions of any life including my own, not unlike tartar or plaque on your teeth should you neglect to brush and floss and rinse all portions regularly.  And like these oral maladies, if any measure is neglected for too long, their removal, while sometimes painful and annoying,  always lives the soul, like the mouth, invigorated and fresh.  It’s not a perfect metaphor, but I haven’t ‘brushed’ this site for a while either…

That being said, I do think that if our metaphorical mouths get too stale, too fuzzy then we almost long for that painful trip to the dentist.  In a strange turn of events my travels have found me in the Arlington, Virginia area for the past few months; months which I thought would be spent within my comfortable brotherhood ‘across the pond’.   As I shivered-in the New Year on a Quebec City street with my wife amid a drunken crowd of French-Canadians, I could have told you how 2010 was going to play out with a degree of certainty.  You would think by now that which I am the most certain of, regardless of how theoretical, is usually that which I am most mistaken.  Thus, I am here, studying yet another foreign language, continuing to make excuses on the neglect of my own, and being an unsuspecting character within the story of my life.  My only relief is the thought of my new wife, who is going through some mental dentistry of her own at the moment.  Her struggle is the other side of the coin for me.  While I wait patiently to return to the familiar from this unknown purgatory, she watches the clock dwindle on her recognizable world as begins her own journey into question.  Whilst serving something of prison sentence, knowing that my time here will end does bare some relief.  For Elle, she has no such mandate, both a burden and a boon.  Thus my intellectual time has been consumed by considering ways to make her change peaceful as well as invigorating and exciting.  Though totally unrelated except perhaps through karma, I feel that while I am here, I should have no other duty that insuring that the feeling of alienation and loneliness, which I experience here must never happen to her in her new home. 

To be honest, I’m quite lost in the early goings of this endeavor.  Granted, I am neither here nor there, and that must count against me on some, if not all, levels.  And while I do feel confident that when present my efforts will be far better perceived and received they currently are, as of now, they are more or less a crap shoot.  My normal and goofy self is has been met with sediments of annoyance, and my attempts at sweetness seem to repeatedly backfire in my face.  Wisely I feel, I have not caved into my gut reaction to just shut up and stay out of it.  I need to be present, but there is a feeling of damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t tramping around the matter.  Still, I’ve seen enough sitcoms to assume that married life must be, from time to time, as strange fiction.

And admittedly, I am new to all this; to say that this is uncharted territory would be a bit of an understatement.  Thus before I go further, I will state that I could be completely wrong about, well, everything.  Notably, I have been wrong quite a bit lately, and I will unhappily acknowledge that ‘crow’ has become something of an acquired taste in the last month or so.  Heck, even the very writing of this post may earn me a night or two on the couch.  Who knows?

Nonetheless, beside all the reasons mentioned above, I am her husband, and Elle deserves all the bumbling support that my notably novice labors can afford.  I have given up on all Washington DC presumably has to offer, and happily focus upon my studies and simple pleasures such as reading, catching up on movies and television, and as of late (perhaps later than it should have been) my writing.  In doing such, I am freed up to spend time doing whatever I can do assist Elle with the move either materially or mentally, though, as I mentioned above, I am not as useful in either capacity as I could or should be.  Still, if nothing else, my mind is clear of distractions as she is in the fore-front of all my thoughts.  Self-serving as that is, it does provide a level of solace to me, which wonderfully keeps me in a constant vigil of what I should be providing for her.

Apart from the sentimentality, which if I could I would get naked and roll around in (it truthfully feels that good), I find that my natural levels of control are regressing.  Perhaps it has to do simply with the uncertainty of my professional life, both over the past three months as well as whatever is coming, which is still somewhat unknown.  It would be unfair to say that Elle has not played a part in this as well, and thankfully, as any inclusion into the life of another is bound to bring some degree of chaos.  Maybe it is her move that helping me to channel some of my subconscious control into something more positive, something more combined, more unified, and thus non-controlling at all.  And a non-controlling life is liberating, at least to me.  One can hope… and one can work towards it.

Honestly, I like waking up with a clean taste in my mouth.  …metaphorically speaking, of course. 

Everybody pulls for David, nobody roots for Goliath.  ~ Wilt Chamberlain

So fair enough; I’ve been out of the game for the past couple of weeks.  These things happen.  And I’m not talking just about the game of life or relative games of chance but rather about the big dance, the NCAA Tournament.  I make no excuses; I simply should have posted a little something about what may or may not happen, but as I think everyone else’s, including my brackets have shown, no one saw any of this coming.  No one. 

I’ve run my office brackets since 2004.  Never have I seen anything like this.  With a two and notable exceptions we have all the 1 and 2 seeds still alive, which was about the only thing that I predicted correctly from the outset.  Granted, there is no previous text to say such, but I called both Kansas and Nova getting bumped in the second rounds… okay, I called Kansas next round, but still.  The point is that the first round was going to be bumpy, but flat out vomiting turbulence?  Well, let me take the time here to say, this is your captain speaking; we are going to have a smooth tournament from here on.  And if you all don’t mind, I’d like to tell you how it is going to go down.  Not so much for anyone’s sanity other than my own.  Let’s face it – if you’re like 98.8% of all other Americans, your bracket is likely as screwed as mine and no amount of analytics will fix that.  Sorry, we all can suck together.

Easily the most busted of the brackets is the Mid-West.  Anyone who had Michigan State and Northern Iowa in the Sweet Sixteen is either a college basketball god (and you should be listening to him, not me) or someone who picket their bracket based on something ridiculous like team colors or mascots.  Still, what you’re left with is a battle of lower seeds and based on how these teams are playing you’ve got to look at what’s real.  There is a massive amount of seniority with Northern Iowa with both guards and big men… really big men.  Michigan State has the guards too as well as experience.  This game is really tough to call and one to watch, but I think that Northern Iowa is going to shatter brackets and head to the next round, which leaves us Tennessee and THE Ohio State University.  While I thought both these team were an easy call thus far, I look for OSU to easily overcome the Vols, and likely NIU as well.  Don’t get me wrong, I won’t be surprised if Northern Iowa makes it to the Final Four, but it’s a stretch… but heck, nothing is out of play this year.  Like I said, the Mid-West is pear-shaped at this point.  Still my call is Ohio State.

Out West things are a bit clearer.  You’ve still got your 1 seed.  And what a seed it is.  The Orange (no longer the Orangemen… political correctness has gotten us yet again) didn’t just beat the ‘Zags, they crushed them.  In every possible way.  Without Onuaku.  They face a really overrated Bulter who not only almost lost to Murray State (I’m still trying to figure out who the heck Murray State is?!), but lost a considerable portion of their game with UTEP.  No question: ‘Cuse runs over the Bulldogs. 

The following is the toughest thing for me to write.  I have Kansas State as something of a bad-ass in the tournament.  However, if Xavier goes to the Elite Eight, even if it kills my bracket, which it would, I would not know what to do with myself for the following forty-eight hours until they played Syracuse.  That being said, I will do something that I have never done before in this forum:  I will not make a call here.  However, regardless of who does will that game, The Orange will advance to the Final Four.  So mute point?

South.  Duke v. Purdue.  Duke will likely find themselves in the Final Four.  Purdue is playing like they have all year – like ass for a team that found itself as a 4 seed.  On a personal note, I quietly hope that the Boilermakers will edge the Duke and stop my bracket from bleeding, but there is only a snowball’s chance in a Blue Devil’s Hell for that to happen… my dumb ass bet on Louisville early.  Ugh.  Meanwhile, Saint Mary’s is my darling of the tournament.  Hate to tell you, but I called this one too.  And with Baylor playing like the suck-ass Baylor teams we’ve all come to know, love, and expect in this tournament, there is a really good chance that the Gaels won’t just beat the Bears, but might take a swing at the ACC Champs.  Saint Mary’s in the Final Four would be awesome and likely the greatest Cinderella of all time, (just imagine if they and NIU both make it?!?!) but I think that the Elite Eight will have to do for them.  Duke wins the South Region.

That leaves the East.  Can I just say that I live in North Carolina, among some of the most annoying fans in the world.  That said, without UNC or UConn in the tournament, most sports bars have been fairly quiet and civilized… except for the one-in-a-bunch Cornell Alum.  Who are these guys?!  I couldn’t even tell you where Cornell University is, let allow confirm that it actually is a University.  Okay, Ivy League Champs does not mean your Ivy League.  I have seen your Alumnus-sots at the bar; none too impressive.  Thankfully, these little twerps will be booted forcefully from the tournament in the next round by the Wildcats, leaving only a high-flying Washington and the heavily favored West Virginia.  Being a Xavier fan, I know what Bob Huggins is like, for better or worse.  The Mountaineers are likely to advance, but this is still a game to watch.  If they do, this will make for the most heavily contested of the games thus far; a real 1 and 2 seed match-up.  To be fair, this could easily go either way, but I like Kentucky this year.  I’ll hedge one more 1 seed into the Final Four.

That leaves only the big boys at the dance.  The Buckeye’s run will close at the hands of the Orange.  If he hasn’t shown up already, Onuaku will be playing again… and dominating.  Should he return to form, there is no answer for this team.  KU and Duke will be classic, but Duke can’t handle Kentucky in the low post, and the guards are well matched up.  Edge to the Wildcats. 

Kentucky verses Syracuse.  Its ‘cuse.  No brainer.  Any questions?

GO XAVIER!!! 

As one young man leaves his twenties behind, idealism gives way to practicality.  Almost.  ~ Rabbi Boruch Leff

Sundays start the week in most calendars, yet there is almost always that ironic feeling on a Sunday night like shit is ending.  Mondays are the real start to things – the no-nonsense cup of joe at six a.m. following that bastard of an alarm.  Dark rides through semi-empty streets until dawn breaks off in a troubled east.  And like the best laid plans, no matter what you think is waiting for you on the other end of our commute, there is always something there waiting to scramble your week into a frenzy.  Nothing ever really starts on Sunday.

I turned thirty this week.  Notably, the only people who find this fact even remotely interesting are those of my friends who have either turned thirty recently or will be in the not too far off future.  To be fair, I haven’t put much stock in it.  In certain circles, I had been saying that I was thirty already because it was easier that dealing with some ass replying with, “Oh my, thirty comes next year.  Are you ready?” (…no, I’m not ready, douche-bag, I plan on offing myself the night before to spare myself the shame of aging…idiots)  Still, it is true: life does come at you fast, sometimes faster than you expect it.  This week was no exception.

Quick recap.  I turned thirty.  I got married.  I got offered a career altering job ‘opportunity’.  Anyone else got one better? 

When I first moved to Fayetteville, I used to go and have coffee talk at this small art gallery with a fifty-something year old gay black man and a forty-ish white debutant.  One of our first conversations concerned the matter of being thirty, something I could only speak about theoretically at the time.  But I do remember it being generally agreed upon that thirty is where roads in life diverge and one begins to make the real choices that affect him or her for the remainder of their earthly days.  If anything, my week rather proves that to a bit of a tee. 

Thing is, personally I’m ready.  I have been for years, and yes, I honestly believe that.  I’m the same motherfucker whose ideals, values, and testimonials haven’t changed.  I still listen to punk with a critical ear.  I’ve got a tattoo appointment tomorrow night.  I shaved my head saturday morning because I got a case of the ass when I discovered I was out of shampoo.  What makes me laugh is that seemingly life has waited until it thought I was ready in order to start slinging the real fastballs.  I’m not sure if I played much of a hand in that either, but I may have.  Maybe I could have been a bit more proactive, hitting the line before the line hit me; seeing the punches before they had a chance to start coming in a flurry.

Naw.  I hit the line where I wanted to hit it, and I hit it as hard and often as I could…it was only a matter of time before it hit back. Equal and opposite reactions, I guess.  Don’t mistake my rambling tonight, though.  I don’t regret anything that is happening with me, to me, or directly from my actions.  On the contrary, I’m swimming in this life like a shark in the shallows; hungry and visible.  Things are just happening fast is all, and while the weight is very real, it is not unbearable. 

As a matter of fact… its kind nice.  Defining.  Sunday’s over.  Lets get this week started.    

There is one day that it ours.  Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American.  ~ O. Henry

The big holidays are always a disappointment.  I thought about that yesterday as I was driving home from a latent dinner with an old colleague of mine.  To place this in a greater context, I have not duplicated a Thanksgiving in the past eleven years; that is to say, I have taken my turkey with a different family in a different home with a different set of circumstances, rules, and traditions every year since I graduated high school.  I’ve spent Thanksgivings in Ohio and Oklahoma, in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the one thing that I have noted is that they all end the same way.  Anti-climatic. 

It was a long ride home, so I played a little devil’s advocate with myself.  Why shouldn’t Thanksgiving be any different than other holidays?  After all, Christmas is rather anti-climatic itself as the greater part is over before noon.  Halloween is just another day until sunset at which point you are either handing out candy and concluding your night in a few hours, or you manage to prolong the magic, dress-up like a slut or a retard, and conclude with a wicked hangover and a rash of bad decisions you’ll be held accountable for.  Valentine’s Day is a mark against the single or a dull reminder for those bound in a relationship.  And Easter…well, Easter is just gay.  Someone had to add a stupid bunny, some candy eggs, and jelly beans just to make the day seem more than just the dreary day at church that it is.  No matter what, the big holidays, despite their marketing and build-up being comparable to the climax of a Peter North film are over and forgotten just about as fast. 

But the 4^th of July and New Year’s Eve, my two favorite holidays, defeat this principal… to an extent.  They last all day or all night.  When you wake up on the 4^th of July, it’s go time!  Drinks often start before noon, and there are parades, BBQs, gathering of friends and family, although notably, there is no prescribed necessity to see anyone in particular.  Best of all, the festivities continue into the night with fireworks, more drinks, and warm summer fires.  New Years Eve is the same, simply a nocturnal version.  When the evening begins it’s often fancy dinners and mixed drinks with friends or family, either will do.  There are cocktails, dressing up, dancing, and they all spiral toward a wonderful champagne-induced midnight, where all will be forgiven and forgotten to make way for the newest of years.  Even then the night only ends if you’re tired.

My observation ended there last night, but today it continued unabated and wholly refreshed.  Because today is a days that trumps them all in terms of intensity, build up, mad-capped exhilaration among and between friends and family alike, and above all, sheer duration.  Of course, I’m talking about Black Friday.  Why this holiday is not truest and most genuine holiday in November, I am remorse to not know.  After all, this is the dawning age of the globalized free market, is it not?  Further, America, despite these dark economic times, is still the shining center of a Western Christian world.  Does an utterly glamorized view of our first encounters with the Native Americans truly serve our current interests?  I hardly think so.

Black Friday, on the other hand, does.  Thanksgiving is only part of the build-up, a subterfuge and a catalyst.  Thanksgiving gives us many things that allow Black Friday to be the carnival of capitalism and defacement of religion that it is.  With Thanksgiving many of us get Friday off.  Also we get together with our families, which reminds us who we have to buy for during subsequent holidays.  Finally, it gives us a sure and certain marker with which to begin the holiday season. Thus, if we look at Thanksgiving as an unassuming prelude to Black Friday, it could actually be said that Black Friday starts the day before, making it the longest holiday of them all!

This year, many stores opened at midnight rather than the customary six a.m. to jumpstart shoppers.  I drove by the local Best Buy that evening and noted a line of people, some with tents and some without, despite fifteen-mile-an-hour wind and driving rain.  By ten o’clock this morning, the local mall was a zoo.  Any route within a two-mile radius of the complex ceased to be governed by normal traffic laws and became of the subject of a strange Darwinian study of primal human interaction.  By noon shoppers gorged themselves at local fast-food restaurants, so much so that drive-thru lines where backed up out of parking lots.  And by one p.m. the frenzy continued… or so I’m told.

I did none of these things.  I planned to do home repairs and not leave the house; the Black Friday equivalent of bah-humbug.  But when my vacuum broke, and I was forced to leave the house (twice), I celebrated.  I celebrated by moving with a heightened level of self-worth within the throngs of those on the road and on sidewalk.  I celebrated by commiserating with my fellow shopper who was then my brother in credit card debt.  I celebrated by looking at all the things I wanted and couldn’t afford…a realized, almost without hesitation, that I would be resolved to continue to reduce levels of personal freedom within my own life in order to have a greater stake at acquiring them.  And lastly, when good friend of mine called me and several others to borrow our trucks for a move, I celebrated yet again as the lot of us, trusted companions all, found ourselves closer still as we joined in a mutual admittance of an unholy amount of pointless obligations and attendances over the next month, none of which were our ideas or desires in the least. 

The headlights streaming up and down the road outside my window tells me that for many this day of joyous celebration is not yet over.  While I sit here in my pajamas, I admit, the night is still young and the stress is still fresh.  It’s barely nine o’clock, and though I, like many, have been up since with wee hours of the morning, I am not tired.  One may be able to say that day after Thanksgiving is anti-climatic when it’s all said and done as the crescendo often lasts hours and hours and hours instead of paltry meal or gift giving moment.  But to say that it is anything less than spiritually engulfing?  I doubt it.  Perhaps I will have a drink in an hour or two when the bars begin to fill up with those already drunk with successes and failures, the very festivity of the day.  One deserves their just repose?  After all, it is Friday.

If we’re about the average of the NFL, that’s fine.  That’s good enough.  We’re not going to do much better than that in Cincinnati.  ~ Troy Blackburn 

Before we start, I’d like to get something out in the open.  I am a native Mainer… and I am a Bengals Fan.  A big one.

To many, this may seem like a contradiction in terms.  How does someone who grew up in New England root for The Queen City?  Certainly, I have some explaining.  To go all the way back, I never played football.  To be more accurate, I never got the choice.  In my tiny school district, the sport was never offered.  Soccer was our autumn homecoming fare, lending our high school athletes to be lean and feline, made up of sinew and unpadded grit.  Our neighboring, slightly larger high schools did have a more traditional Friday Night Lights culture and thus our  counterparts found themselves encumbered in an over-sized motley of shoulder pads and tights, and being slammed into by Neanderthal-like adolescent oafs who repeated man-handled them in a way that I found just sad.  As such, the game, at least at the high school level, seemed dull, brutal, and slow, leaving the miscreants and illicit affairs going on just beyond the bleachers to gather and draw-in my more punkish nature. 

So during my teens, I really didn’t follow football.  In actuality, I didn’t learn the game until I was nearly fifteen, and even then it was from playing Super Tecmo Bowl on the Nintendo with my older cousin…yes, the original Nintendo.  I continued to pick up on the subtleties of the game on Sunday afternoon’s on CBS with my father (as in those days, we only got one station on the ol’ rabbit ears), but it was here-and-there.  I remember liking Joe Montana, mainly because everybody did, and yes, believe it or not, the Bengals as well… though at the time, I think it was just because I really liked Tigers.  Admittedly, I was a weird kid who blossomed late.

Shortly thereafter, I wound up in Cincinnati attending Xavier University.  College tends to renew a young man’s interest in football, whether they like it or not, especially when you end up attending a NCAA Division I school.  Unless, of course, you attend one that doesn’t have a football team!  So, while I found a keen interest in NCAA Div. I Men’s Basketball, football remained on fridge.  Xavier did, however, have a considerable amount of its student body derived from the local and greater Cincinnati area.  So with little to do in the fall semester (except drink and chase co-eds), I found myself in a close proximity to a considerable number of very serious Bengals Fans.

Now to it was during my college years when Drew Bledsoe’s injury gave way to the advent of Tom Brady.  During this time I had become somewhat fond of cheering for ol’ Cinci, learning the players, sharing the losses, and watching as Paul Brown Stadium rose from the banks of the Ohio River, even working there on odd Sundays for volunteer money.  Notably, I carried the American Colors as a member of the color guard during a Bengals-49er’s game that happened to fall on my twentieth-birthday.  Now, my roots and loyalties were being called to question.  However, my venerable and temperamental grandfather, an epic Patriots Fan, quickly cleared up my waffling.  He said, you aren’t a Patriots Fan unless you were cheering for them when Samuel Adams was on the helmet!  Perfect logic!  The Pats were the team du jour, and as a pre-World Series Red Sox Fan, I loathed Yankees Fans that popped up in every major city asserting some loose affiliation with the Big Apple in order to wear that cursed club’s gaudy cap.  Never dreaming to be associated with anything remotely Yankee’s in nature or orthodoxy, and already quite comfortable being the fan of a baseball team who routinely pissed away seasons, Cincinnati seemed a natural fit.  I’ve been striped since 2001. 

So to be fair, I’ve been munching on a Who-Dey whole-wheat and shit-sandwich for awhile now.  My one shining ray was our sole play-off game in the bleak of mid-winter 2006.  I remember as Carson went down I dropped a whole bowl of chili-cheese bean dip.  I watched in horror as Jon Kitna sealed our season, and then subsequently followed as the Pittsburg Steelers played and won one of the worst Super Bowls I have ever witnessed.  I did not know hate until that day. 

Last Sunday, vengeance was mine.

To say that I am excited about the Bengals would be an understatement.  And while I treat the Cincinnati roster as if it was my own personal fantasy football team, and though I do ritualistically watch the game every Sunday at the same tiny and civil sports bar, I do not consider myself to be a complete and total expert.  Nonetheless, I do have some thoughts, concerns and predictions for the rest of the season:

Carson’s lower ratings are a positive thing.  Here’s why: it’s a direct reflection of the coaching staff’s focus and commitment to the running game.  More running plays means the clock runs.  2^nd and 4 means shorter passing then a 3^rd and 8.  All this leads to reduced passing numbers for a quarterback, which is, to me, a statistic that breeds complacency in other defenses, especially when that quarterback is Carson Palmer.  I also love that teams zero in on Cedric Benson.  I am convinced that you will see Cincinnati work on its aerial assault over the next three games, and, if things are firing on all cylinders, you could see the Bengals unleash a violent play-action offense right out the gate on Minnesota.  …as for Ochocinco’s reduced receptions?  Child please.  This same exact thing happened in 2007.  He’s intense, but more importantly he is extremely hard on himself during game time, something that could comes off as self-centeredness or childishness.  Make no mistake.  The Bengals’ offensive numbers are highly (and wonderfully) deceptive.

Mike Zimmer is God and Brian Leonard is his Prophet…the fact that they work on opposite ends of the ball just adds to the divine miracle.

What is the most shocking to me this year, and in my estimation the single biggest season-altering factor, is the Bengals secondary, namely the cornerbacks Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall.  For the past two or three years, I have been slamming my mug on the table, cursing number 22.  I used to say to fellow patrons, the next time you see your favorite receiver in a highlight reel, you will see Jonathan Joseph getting dogged in the background.  This year, I have had to eat a lot of crow for those statements.  Not sure what happened, but I’m big enough to admit that the pass coverage, whic the Bengals have provided in almost every fourth quarter game this season (which is almost all of them) has been the unsung critical factor pushing Cincinnati over top on more than one occasion.

After much deliberation, I am against the Larry Johnson acquisition.  Bottom line: unless they are getting a bargain-basement deal on him for a single year strictly for insurance purposes, then I think it is far too much of a snub to Cedric Benson after all he has accomplished this season.

As mentioned the next few games are largely being regarded as cake-walks for Cincinnati.  Carson Palmer said in a press conference after Sunday’s game that he is wary of all the back-patting right now, and that they still have a long way to go before they are Super Bowl caliber.  I’m paraphrasing of course, but he’s correct, the screws need tightening.  I hope these games are used to do it…however, therein is a fine line there.  Trap games are vile ways to show your ass to a very hungry league of teams with horrible records, especially when your remaining schedule is made up mostly of them.  I expect the Bengals to find themselves in hot water when they shouldn’t be at least once in the next three games but in the end will pull it out.  Call it a slice of history if you want.    

Finally, the Cincinnati Bengals will beat The Minnesota Vikings 24-21 in Week 14.  I’m calling it.

Who-Dey!!!

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?… you know, the birth of Santa?  ~ Bart Simpson

Department of Toy Acquisitions

Central Distribution Headquarters Facility

North Pole, Artic Circle

ATT: Wolfgang H. Fitzgerald  

Elf, Senior Vice-President of Distributions

Dear Mr. Fitzgerald,

First off, my apologies for such a tardy letter this season.  The miring dregs of being rendered stateside for the past twelve months during this laborious and bureaucratic administration has thoroughly left me devoid of any semblance of a desire for further paperwork.  I have considered the untimely advent of my turning 30 years old next month as an excuse, but in order to do such I would have to admit a level of aging that would be ironically be counter-active to the whole “writing a letter to Santa” thing.  Being unwilling to do this, I will simply plead neglect and the fact that there is now a permanent woman in my life who forcibly and seemingly randomly focuses my attention elsewhere.  So it goes.

This year I have been very good.  While I am fully confident that your HR department has been keeping a careful record of my endeavors, I would like to point out some highlights.   Please note my current ability to grow a full head of hair complete with regulation sideburns; that I still fit into the same 32” waist jeans that I wore when I was nineteen; and that I have managed to use my serpentine charm to seduce smoking hot babe into agreeing to marry me.  Any transcripts of my exploits can also be provided to you free of embellishments at your request.

To the crux of the correspondence, I have decided to approach my annual letter in an uncustomary manner this season.  As do most, I understand that your boss and my dear friend, Mr. Claus, typically oversees all final matters and say-so of operations.  Still, and I am sure that your records clearly reflect this, my contentment with Mr. Claus’s so-called knack at producing a lasting level customer satisfaction  is, as of late, somewhat low.  Granted, it has been this way for some time, but with the global economy being what it is and the rampant accounts of greedy heads of corporations taking a more laissez-faire approach to the budgeting process, well; I think it is obvious why I am now addressing my letter to you instead of he, Mr. Fitzgerald.  The recent articles in the associated press of your CEO taking unscheduled sleigh rides to Tokyo and Rio De Janeiro at the expense of his elven employees, reports of large personal bonuses for North American toy contracts, and rising statements of political bribes concerning extended naughty lists for vast populations of Muslim countries have left me dubious.  Lastly, I was shocked at those tabloid photographs of Mrs. Claus traipsing around the New York nightclub scene in only a Kimono and a set of tall fur boots.  But I am sure that did not come as to much of a surprise to you or your team, sir; we always knew when Santa married a woman that young that it was only a matter of time before we would have an Anna Nicole Smith sort of situation.

To be sure, I have not done anything rash with regards to my support for your company.  My 401K remains relatively strong, mostly due to my heavy financial contributions in the stocks related to your corporation and its associated seasonal subsidiaries.  Nonetheless, I have my concerns as to the upper management.  Therefore, I leave my list to you this season, Mr. Fitzgerald, and I am certain that you will give it the appropriate level of attention due to a senior share-holder.  On a more personal note, I have always firmly believed that subordinate leaders are often the heart and souls (and under-appreciated think tanks, I may add) of any association.  I should know.

As usual, I have humbly kept my list to a brief ten items, which are not listed in any level of prioritization.  Further, the varying monetary levels of each gift are such to accommodate any degree of gift-giving the company can facilitate.

1. TRX FORCE Kit

2. Poker Chip Set… I would not recommend doing this one all on your own.  Feel free to have the boys in Toy Development give me a call on my personal cell… I believe you still have it

3. Power Tools.  I don’t have any.  Drills, Saws, Sanders, nothing… I don’t even have a box

4. H710 Motorola Bluetooth

5. An Away (White) #32 Cedric Benson Jersey… or a Fully Orange #9 Carson Palmer Jersey… or a Retro Black #7 Boomer Esiason Jersey… or pretty much any piece of  cleverly adorned Bengal’s clothing or beer cozy

6. An elegant Gel Pen.  I never seem to have one of these.

7. A Recipe Box w/ blank cards

8. A hardcover edition of The Devil’s Guard by George Robert Elford.  This may be difficult, but not impossible…

9. A renewed subscription to Downeast magazine

10. A double-weave Gi

Thank you for your kind attention, sir, and I wish you and your vertically-challenged wife the very best of seasons!  I do hope that my gift-basket of gourmet cookies finds you well.  As such things are normally reserved for the president of the company, I see no reason why this year it shouldn’t fall to you, mainly due to your generous efforts on my behalf.  However, due to the over-worked nature of the US Postal Service this time of year, you may not receive this munificent and luxurious gift until after the holiday.  Trust, the package is in the mail! 

Merry Christmas!

The Guttersnake