Confessions of a Starving Artist

Coast to Coast by Little Miss Sunshine

North Carolina is become a major restructuring event in all dimentions of my life.  Old histories are falling away, and I’m surprisingly fine with that.  Sort of a streamlining of a personal life.  Last night was a very late night.  I received a number of strange and infrequent phone calls, many concerning the previous post, the last being the most unexpected.

I was surprisingly happy to hear Yoko’s voice on the far end of the phone, and her timing could not have come at any better of a time (even if it was about 1 am).  True, her business was very confrontational, as it seems that my accientally using her full and real name some time ago on this forum put her in somewhat of an ackward situation.  I have since remedied this error, but nonetheless her constant chipper monologue was one that I have missed and forgot how much that it comforted me.  As usual her message was simple one; a plain lesson that I will keep to myself for now.  I simply would like to state that it was good to hear from her again, like a ghost from the past.  One that won’t always let me sleep… in this case literally.

She is, was, and will mostly continue to be the one which I measure all others by.  I would like that stated for the record.  Don’t be a stranger, kid.

Test your friends loyalty… wait until they get a girlfriend.

So I’m headed back to Cincinnati for a good friend’s wedding this Labor Day weekend, and I am beginning to question this what to expect from this homecoming.  Granted, my true home is Maine, but Cincinnati, my alma mater, is a home away from home and feeling a bit hostile at the moment.  Now, if this was anyone other than Ms. Molly’s wedding, I would not be making this four-day basically a two-day as the trip is nine hours in each direction.  That, coupled with the fact I just drove this route a week earlier, I’m not really looking forward to the trip.  Still, as I have said, this is a wedding that I said that I will not miss, and I will not miss it.  Because that is the type of friend that I have come to think that I am.  But that perception may be argued by friends that perhaps have lost the right to make judgement calls.

You see, others seem to have discredited images of just who exactly the Guttersnake is in the here and now, going on five years out of college.  There are a great many of my college friends who still live in and around the Queen City, but it may come to pass that a great many of them either do not care that I have made extreme allowances within my career and personal life to stay in connect or simply choose to continue penalize me for my latter day collegiate sins and ignore the last four years of my existence.  I’ll be the first to admit it; during my last two years at Xavier University, I was a bit of whore.  And honestly, for those two years of college, I’m pretty much fine with that.  There are those whom I knew who in state schools that were much worse than I, and they ran wild for a full four years.  Regardless, this is the image that I seem retain with these people whom I, tentatively, call my longest existing friends.  I find this a little disconcerting due to its lack of growth.  Now, I’m no priest, after all; I’m a single man in his mid-twenties, and sure, I like to have a good time on a late night, but I’m a combat veteran who leads men for a living.  I cannot believe the lack of respect that I deal with from my friends; if on my career alone, I deserve some level of confidence.  And moreover, I am tired of attempting to keep people in the status of “friend” when they maybe should be down-graded to an “acquaintances”.  I’m kinda tired of trying and getting disrespected… but I am getting ahead of myself.

Let me lay it out for you, briefly.  First off, apparently one of my best friends, one who I love like a sister, would prefer that I not crash at her place because her new boyfriend put up a stink.  Are you serious?  I know its hard to find a good lover out there (if anyone does…), but I have crushed decent women in my life for so much as batting a shallow or petty eye at my friends.  Loyalty is a trait of a friend, regardless.  But I understand, and I cannot fault someone whom I care about as much as Jules, for not wanting to deal with the drama or making perhaps a different call than I would.  For the record, when Laura told me just five weeks into our fledgling relationship that she was going to Italy with her boss for six days, I said, “Have fun!”  Lovers have to trust each other, right?… the fact that she was seeing someone else for a month before she broke up with me kinda screws with that standard for me, but hey, I still think it’s important. 

Second, and more at the crux of the matter, is an incident that happened last weekend.  It’s a simple matter of perception, as far as I see it; one of my oldest and dearest male friends, Matt Fantastic, has accused me of attempting to sleep with his girlfriend at a party, which not only was he in attendance of, but also minutes away from going to bed (with her) himself.  The accusation is one that I accept because I admit to the situation surrounding it.  Yes, I did kiss his girlfriend… goodnight.  I kissed her goodnight as I was looking for a bed to sleep with someone else in!  To any man who reads this; regardless of how drunk you have ever been, if you have a woman who is going to sleep with you (and did), would you attempt to sleep with your best friends girlfriend?  No, you wouldn’t.  Why?  Because it’s ridiculous.  Like I said, misinterpreted actions under drunk circumstances are something that I am no stranger to, but what I cannot understand is how my friends can possibly be taking this miscommunication into consideration across from my own account.

I get why Fantastic is pissed.  I kissed his girlfriend… that and history has come out that over a year ago I slept with one of his ex-girlfriends, or more correctly, she slept with me, but that’s semantics.  What I cannot understand is how my integrity is being questioned on this matter?  I’ve admitted to everything, and been honest about everything up to this point.  That my friends are actually taking this girl’s side into consideration verses mine, well, that’s something I just don’t understand.  These friends of over eight years are, for lack of a better word, believing this “girlfriend” whom we all met less than a year ago.  Maybe I am missing something, but were I am from, if something like this happens, you have your friend’s back for support.  To do otherwise is treasoness, and this is nothing short of an informal sexual harassment charge.  Any male who has been on the receiving end of a sexual harassement charge or been witness to one knows just how completely helpless the man is in this situation.  Whether the claim is true or not, the man in question is forever ruined.  Honestly, I feel the same way… I am just thankful this does not go on any sort of public record.  Just on the mind of one of my best friends, which is just about as bad.

So I confronted one Sammy Rose this evening to ask just what is going on, because no one will talk to me.  She claims that the only reason that she personally has doubts that I may be lying (ouch!?!) is because I have done some “slimy” things in the past.  I was taken back, and asked her to clarify.  She sited Xavier’s Pig Roast ‘02 (senior year) in which I slept with four women in one day.  Okay, it was the biggest party of the year, as it was every year.  I was in that ‘whorish’ part of college that I spoke of, and honestly, is there any red-blooded American male who would do any different in my stead given the same set of circumstances?  No, there is not.

Then Sammy Rose cited the last time I was in Cincinnati, and how I was visibly upset when I returned home from the bars without a one-night stand in tow.  Again, in my defense, I had literally been back from Iraq for less than ten days before that trip and had not so much as seen a female in a year.  I challenge any of you to do the same thing, and react any differently.  Moreover, when a buddy of mine comes to me from a bad relationship or just an ordinary ‘dry-spell’, I bend over backwards (not literally) to give a brother a shot at some action.  Everything short of paying someone.  What I could not believe was not only my friends lack of effort on my behalf, but their complete lack of understanding or concern for me.  I was not looking for a stripper, just for someone to introduce me to a single friend; I would have done the rest.  Instead, and I am not making this up, one of my friends introduced me to three of her friends whom I “really should meet.”  Then, three hours later, I have to find out on my own that they are all married.  Anyone have any sympathy for yet? 

I have started to take for granted that my friends just not smart in the least when it comes to the single scene or dating or being a good friend in the sense that I have come to understand.  The point is that I do not think that I am going to let too many people know that I am making an eighteen hour excursion this weekend.  I do not think some would care that I would do that for a friend.

Try to understand, he’s a magic man…

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I am a Harry Potter nut.  I wouldn’t say that.  To be a “nut” one would have to wear the goofy glasses and costumes around a given downtown area, carry a wand in their purses or coats (cloaks if your a huge dork), and be able quote the books chapter and verse… not unlike the Bible or 24 episodes, in my case.  However, I am a Harry Potter fan.  A big one.  Be so defies most logic and self-understanding that I have for myself.  Most modern writings I chalk up to crap, even more so in the case of fantasy.  It would make sense that the Harry Potter novels (better known as “crack” to their readers) would be something that I would loathe and would love to tear apart in a format such as this.  However, not the case.  With the recent release of the new cast of the upcoming Order of the Phoenix revealing that Helena Bonham Carter will play the Death Eater, Bellatrix LeStrange, there has been a bit of a surge of the old Harry Potter thrill coasting through my veins.  It should be known that I read the entirety of The Prisoner of Azkaban in less than 36 hours while guessing the ending roughly one hundred pages shy of completion.  Further, as I was attending United States Army Ranger School at Fort Benning, GA when Order of the Phoenix was released, I had my mother (whom Heaven will forever hold a place for this deed.. coo coo ca-choo) photo copy individual pages, shrink them in size on the photocopier, then place up to twelve of said pages photocopied in micro-print to the back of single pages of handwritten letters, which were then sent/smuggled to me in Mountain Phase, chapter by chapter, three times a week, and finally read under microscope until the school ended and I was able to buy the book… which I had half finished by then.  Finally, as our re-deployment plane bringing us back from Iraq touched down for two hours in Shannon, Ireland, and most Soldiers deplaned, rushing to the airport bar for some real Guinness from the green shores, I meanwhile quickly ducked into the Duty Free to get a fresh-from-the-press UK version of The Half-Blood Prince.  Then I got in line for a Guinness and later read over half the book on the flight home… drunk.

But I’m not a “nut”.  I did, however, get into a bit of a discussion about what all would be covered in the final Harry Potter novel the other night.  Really quick, a couple of collective considerations.  First of all, in order for JK Rowling to tie up all these loose ends, I conservatively estimate this book to be about thirteen thousand pages long.  Not that I have a problem with that in the least.  Also, it’s pretty much standard data to fans that JK Rowling has said “…at least two major characters are going to die.”  Assumptions, are of course, rampant.  Erin Kate and myself differ wildly on this prediction, but I get ahead.  The big thing that I’m going to bring up here for all the Harry Potter and Guttersnake fans out there are just all the unanswered questions that we should be looking for in this new book, and maybe by the time this little article is over, you’ll agree with me that this might not be the final chapter… please note nay-sayers, JK Rowling is on record as saying “…this is may be the last book.” 

Lets get to it, shall we?  First off, does Hogwarts re-open?  Most (including Rowling) think that it will, but not after some significant events unfold.  Hogwarts coming back online is extremely important because it opens up a lot of questions that could potentially be shaping to a final confrontation between Harry and He Who Must Not Be Named.  For example, who will be the new headmaster?  The most obvious answer is Prof. McGonagall, but Rowling has never been afraid to insert new members into the Hogwarts facility before.  And then let’s say she does anoint McGonagall as the Headmistress of the School.  We now have the dilemma of two new Heads of House, both Griffyndor and Slytherin.  The successor of Griffyndor is tricky, and I do not have a clear answer for this.  Hagrid is a choice, but I also think that Hagrid is going to bite it in the next installment… or at least it’s highly possible.  The next head of Slytherin is easy:  Slughorn. 

Hold that thought.  Erin Kate brought this up the other night, and I looked into it; we know quite a bit about James Potter and how his history plays into Harry’s.  We know next to nothing about Lily.  But for the sake of relevance, lets review what we do know: Harry has his mother’s eyes (which Rowling insists in interviews is extremely important; that and Petunia, Lily’s sister, will be having a large part to play in the next book); Lily and James did not start dating until their seventh year; Lily did defend Snape from James’ bullying during their schoolyard days, and finally Lily was a member of The Slug Club, Slughorn’s personal favorites among the students at Hogwarts while he was the Head of Slytherin.  My summation - Lily was Slytherin.  Any takers?

I am not sure how that will play into the story, but I am almost positive that will come to light in the seventh book.  Also, returning to Slughorn, it is noted that he was once a Death Eater.  We have already seen how ‘persuasive’ the Dark Lord can be, even to those within Hogwarts.  Perhaps, it will be Slughorn who does in Hagrid?  Just conjecture.  Lastly before leaving the topic of Hogwarts, we should remember that the only person that said Harry will not return to Hogwarts even if it re-opens is Harry himself.  Rowling has not said anything about Harry not returning; she has let Harry speak for himself.  It is possible that Harry will only be gone in search of the Horcruxes for a short time before returning to Hogwarts, perhaps to finish his final year and take his NEWTs, or perhaps find them within the walls like The Chamber of Secrets.  Some of you might be saying, GS, what are you saying?  Take his NEWTs?  He’s got Voldemort to confront.  Maybe not yet… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Next and extremely important is Trelawny’s prophecy.  The original words are heavily interpreted by many Harry Potter fans, but for fun, here they are:

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…”

Now, kids, lets look at what we have here.  The word “either” is a point of contention.  Does it mean that either one or the other must die, or does it mean that only one can kill the other, or further still, does it mean that they both must die.  The latter is widely viewed, although regrettably, to be the fate that Rowling has up her sleeve for Harry Potter.  I do not think so, and I think that it is this that we are going to come to understand in book seven, and not either one of them is going to get whacked in when the final page is turned on that installment.  Rowling has told the press that the final word of the final chapter is “scar”.  Perhaps the finally chapter is an epilogue as Rowling suggests.  I don’t think so.  After all, there was a final chapter to the first book as well.  At any rate, at the end of The Goblet of Fire Dumbledore has a twinkle in his eye when Harry tells him that Voldemort has used his blood to take physical form; the reason for this to overcome Voldemort’s inability to touch Harry (note what happened to Professor Quirrell in The Philosopher’s Stone).  Going back into assumption mode, what I think is going to come of Voldemort having taken part of Harry to form his body is that when Harry finally kills Voldemort the proficey will be fulfilled as part of Harry will die with Voldemort (Half-Blood Prince, indeed).  With the Horcruxes destroyed and Voldemort dead, that would leave only one thing left of Voldemort in wizarding world… that scar.

OOOO!  I just thought of something:  maybe the scar is a Horcrux?!  Wouldn’t that be some shit?!

More considerations; who is going to die?  One of the newest characters whom only briefly appears in the last bits of The Half-Blood Prince was Greyback the Werewolf.  Side note: I think that Jason Strathome of The Transporter, Crank, and Snatch would be perfect for this role, but that’s neither here nor there.  Greyback has to go down, he’s far too evil and menacing.  Hagrid is, as I said, a likely target, as well, for death.  Neville Longbottom has a great deal of history and possibility surrounding him, considering that he or Harry could have been the nemesis of The Dark Lord.  Remember, the books say that Voldemort chose Harry based on Snape’s incomplete relation of Trelawny’s prophecy.  Could be more to Neville yet.  Pete Patettigrew (Wormtail) has more to this last book, I think, but in the end he’s rat food.  Snape’s still an enigma wrapped in a burrito of mystery and suspect.  When that all finally gets sorted out, he is going to be a world of shit, regardless of intentions or whom he saves trying to redeem himself… let’s hope he goes out a martyr.  Bellatrix has to go down, too.  Like Greyback, she is to evil to let live.  And what about the Werewolf hordes and Giants and beasties, all at Voldemort’s command?  Are you telling me there is going to be all this mystery and unraveling and confrontation and no epic battle?  And let’s not forget about Ron and Hermione.  That’s two deaths that would piss a lot of people off… including Harry.  Only thing that would top that would be if Ginny got whacked, I don’t think that will happen.  Because if it does… well, I can’t be held responsible for what I might do.

So what are we left with, but two questions; one of which I can answer, I think.  Who is R.A.B. and who else was in Godric Hollow the night that James and Lily where killed and Voldemort was defeated.  To the latter, I do not know.  However, mark my words - someone was there, and they know something critical.  To the former, I think that I may know whom R.A.B. is, and more importantly, why Sirius had to die.  R.A.B is Regalus A. Black, whom up until this point was thought to be dead.  He’s not.  And he has the Horcrux, perhaps more than one.  Why?  Dunno.  It is possible that Sirius may have known this without knowing just what exactly he knew.  I expect Sirius to somehow come back into light, not so much in literal spirit as into the story though.  The Blacks are Slitheryn.  Lily (I think), is Slitheryn.  I cannot connect all the dots, but I think that I am close. 

So in closing, this is what I got, and feel free to disagree.  One scenario is that Neville will get it, after proving that he was, in fact the one that the prophecy spoke of.  He will die at Voldemorts hands, and Harry will be viewed as a fraud.  However, because Voldemort has become one with Harry by using his blood to form his body, Harry has now gained the ability to destory him after Neville’s death.  Scenario two plays out with Ron and Hermione dying and Harry being defeated with the rest of the good guys.  The book ends in a sort of Empire Strikes Back level of closure.  Either way, I am convinced that there are three more books coming.

Here’s why.  In The Order of the Phoenix Harry asks how one becomes an Auror, to which Tonks (I believe, though might have been Lupin or Mad Eye, but it does not matter…) replies it takes three years of extra schooling to become an Auror.  Now, as you can see, there is a lot left to play out in this story, and if there is only one book left, well, too many characters, too much story, too much everything.  If it does all come together, it had better be air tight, which is not impossible, but I think three more books would make things more solidified, and heck, who doesn’t want three more books?  They don’t have to be huge, maybe the same length as The Philosopher’s Stone, like a trilogy of conclusion, if you will.  I think book seven will be JK Rowling’s Empire Strike Back, with three short Return of the Jedis to follow.  But that’s just me, maybe hoping a little too much.

One more thing:  I have a confession to make.  I have a huge crush on JK Rowling.  Not because of anything related to Harry Potter.  I just think she is a middle aged knock-out!  She is a true and genuine beauty in this world of celebrity phonies.  I would love to do some personal bodyguard work for her or maybe private secrurity.  Better yet, I would love to be sitting alone on a week night in some smoking martini bar in London and have her wander in and sit down next to me, like some Casablanca scene but with a better ending… but I’m not a nut.

And you know who she reminds me of?  JK Rowling reminds me of Ann Coulter if she would take off The Ring of Power…

REPUBLICANS FOR VOLDEMORT!!!

The UNsecure Council

In the past ten days Secretary of State Rice has managed to broker a deal within the United Nations for a lasting peace with the Middle East, namely the areas immediately surrounding the Israeli boarders.  This was done with successful negotiations with Lebanese and Israeli delegates as well as added pressure from the UN Security Council.  While neither side was completely happy with the deal, the warring factions agreed and decided to set their arms down in cease fire despite last minute rocket attacks from Hezbollah just hours before the truce went into effect.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here.  Everything about this screams achaic Cold War style mentality and stupidity.  It consistently grates at my nerves that we are constantly fighting an enemy who does not follow the prescribed rules of war that we set down after WWII (ironically same time that the UN was formed), and yet we foolishly continually adhere to our own self-written dogma that our enemy not only disregards, but understands and uses against us.  Now there is a lot that has been going on lately, and I hope I have enough time with my travels and all to comment on it before it becomes either old news or some smarty pants on the news networks beats me to the punch.  But for now, I will remain on the topic of Israel and Lebanon’s resolution within the UN and all actions thus far.

I will be the first to admit that I am nothing short of shocked that Secretary of State Rice was some how able to broker an ending to the fighting.  There has to have been some serious shit that was threatened behind closed doors as well as third party channels to do this.  I have been laughing at US and UN attempts since they were initiated late in the game some weeks ago because of the complete ass backwards way we are going about things.  The sumation that I have is simly this:  We have been negotiating with Lebanon to end the violence.

Stop.  Stop right here.  Lebanon?  The contradictions in that statement, and worse, the actual action of it all, is so absurd that it boggles the mind.  Lebanon, the State of Lebanon, can get Hezbollah to stop the violence?  How is that when Lebanon, and it’s people, have claimed that Hezbollah is not representative or under the sway of the Lebanese Government.  So how does the Lebanese delegate to the United Nations get Hezbollah to stop its campaign if they have no influence over them?  Did they just take that one member of Hezbollah that is in there parliament out for hooka and humus?  One metaphor of this whole negotiations is something like asking a young mother who hasn’t seen her teenage child in months if she can stop him from, say, stealing cars.  Maybe she can, maybe she can’t, but if I was the police, I wouldn’t start with her, and I sure as Hell wouldn’t really care if about the stress or pain she went through as we tore apart the neighborhood looking for him.

All that Israel has said that they wanted from the beginning is the safe return of their two kidnapped Soldiers.  Lebanon and their people have cried that they are innocent from this aggression, also from the beginning.  But now that Lebanon has shown that it can get Hezbollah to stop what it is doing once a resolution is drafted, one has to wonder, just how innocent is Lebanon?  Weeks ago, I said that Lebanon was default to this war because they had allowed Hezbollah to go unchecked in their country, i.e. guilty by association, which I’ll admit was a bit weak of an argument.  Now, the charges have just been upped - now they are an accessory to kidnapping.  If Lebanon was so concerned with the death of it’s people, where was the supposed pressure on Hezbollah to return those Soldiers most ricky-tick?  It obviously existed, because they just got them to stop firing missiles.  My current stance is that if this cease fire is broken, the Israelis should not only resume a full scale offensive against Lebanon, but they should march straight for Beirut and hold the entire country in lockdown - stop giving them a North Vietnam to retreat into, so to speak.  And if the UN doesn’t support them, than I give that body about as much validity as a box of flying rocks.

Because, let us remember why the United Nations, or League of Nations as it was originally called, was formed way back nearly seventy years ago.  It was formed as a body to insure that something as horrific as WWII would never happen again, basically by a form of global peer pressure on nations that chose not to play along, even if it came from within the ranks.  This works, and was key to winning the Cold War, but only because of the very real backbone of military reactions of each and every country with the council.  The members of the UN at this point have proven again and again to the rest of the world that not only will they commit only minimal forces to the coalition fight, but in many cases those forces are wholly inept or incapable of securing, let alone winning a fight.  Most of the time, these nations that pander daily at the UN don’t even have standing armies and or are willing to send them anywhere if they do.  Correct me if I am wrong, but doesn’t that kind of remove you from the table?  To use Dave Chappell’s words, “What’s that…. you don’t have an army?  Then you better shut the fuck up!  Shut… the… fuck… up!”  Economic sanctions don’t mean shit to counties that are backed by oil sheiks - not when the UN is the largest consumer of oil in the world.  Besides China.

Consider this.  If you were to place two overlays on map, one that represented political alignments and one that represented economic allegiances, you would see too totally different maps.  If the UN is only concerned with the political sphere of things then, there is now an entirely different, and at times vile, world at work, operating within county’s boarders; one that can hide under government umbrellas, jump boarders at will, and potentially make more money then certain governments that currently exist in the modern world.  Hezbollah is not a corporation; it’s a glorified militant lobbyist group.  Imagine if they had full cororate funding and international connections throughout Europe, America, and Asia.  Is something like that possible?  Yes.  Could the UN stop it?  No. 

I’m not saying that the UN is useless, because it’s obvious that it has some effect as this week has shown.  But we really need to start thinking about either returning to the old run-and-gun offense of ’step out of line, and we will all bomb you to kingdom come’ (wait….) or realize that the United Nations needs a complete rework to remain effective.  Economic overhaul is not something quick nor is it simple, especially when it must directly relate to security and warfare.  I do find it funny, however, that some countries would rather send there sons and daughters to die in a foreign war under a blue flag that doesn’t even fly in their country, than have their economy shaken to support the same war even if it might mean having there citizens live in a bit of discomfort for a few months.  It’s okay - we are one of those countries, too.

Happiness is Oklahoma in the Rearview

It has been of those times again; times when the ol’ Guttersnake has simply not able to make it to his broadband connection (ooo, that would be great name for a rock band, nes pas?) in order to update you all on what has been happening.  The long and short of it is that I’ve officially left Lawton (again), and I am currently on my trek across the US back to the east coast and my new home, Fort Bragg, NC.  If any of you have not heard, I will be residing at Fort Bragg and the greater Fayetteville area for probably the next six to eight years as far as I can imagine, pending deployments, of course.  I am looking to buy a home there and put down at least partial roots.   You know, furnish a home theater, turn one of the extra bedrooms into a home gym, get a motorcycle; you know, single guy stuff.  Oh, and those of you from my ex-lives - I’m only an hour from Murtle Beach, you should come visit.

But as of right now, I am residing for a week in the beautiful middle-city of Cincinnati.  More specifically, I’m in a coffee house in Mt. Lookout Square munching on a slightly burnt bagel and some sort of berry smoothie concoction.  The coffee roaster, this oversized contraption that doesn’t look unlike a old steam locomotive engine, is throwing out smoking beans regularly as one of the employees turns them over like farmer’s soil.  Ah, I forget how much I truly enjoy city living.  Probably because when I am in a city, I am not working and capable of sleeping in until ten o’clock everyday with a moderate hangover.  I suppose that’s how the other half lives, and I also suppose that’s where I’ve chosen to do the majority of my vacationing.  Nothing wrong with pretending, is there?

At any rate, it’s unfortunate that some of the individuals that I met and had good times with back in Oklahoma couldn’t come along, by will or by nil, and meet up with me further down the line, however; I really am glad to be rid of that horrid little town.  Lawton tends to make you feel more and more comfortable as you dwell in it longer and longer, but it’s a hypothermic sleep.  I can already feel myself moving about under my skin, like waking up from a deep winter sleep.  Hopefully my creativity will be moved as well, and something worthwhile can finally flow from these fingers again.  This blog is seemingly the only real writing (if one can call blog posts such) that I have done in months.  And while I do not think that the SFQC will offer a great deal of time to that end either, I am confident that once this next year is over, you’ll see a new, smiling Guttersnake, possibly with some form of a manuscript.  With that in mind - Cheers!  and I’m going to get another of these berry smoothies.

Just a message from your friendly neighborhood Guttersnake…

So the other day as I was switching from station to station in my endless strife to find something worth watching, between the noise of Carlos Mencia’s non-stop rants about aged beaner jokes and the worthless syndicated episodes of Every Body Love Raymond and Seinfeld, I hapt to come upon a reality TV show that I’m sure that you have seen and simply flipped past - just as I did:  Who Wants To Be A Superhero?  To be honest I was waiting for the World Series of Pop Culture to come on VH1 so that I could see just how much more useless trivia I had stored up in my brain housing unit than these dweebish college bowl nerds.  Honestly, that show is somewhere between Jeopardy and those trivia keyboard games you play at sports bars when the only thing on is tennis, golf, or poker (which in not a sport).  Nonetheless, there is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself, especially in a mental capacity.  But such a wave length wasn’t on for an hour or so, and Shaun White was competing last on the X-Games so I decided to at least watch this seemingly ridiculous bit of reality TV.

Fist off, let me set the stage for you a bit on this.  The contestants, if you will, are all dressed in home-made costumes depicting themselves as comic book heroes of their own design.  Notables include one Major Victory, who is a 30-something white guy who used to be a male stripper dressed in some sort of a red spandex Superman-rip-off outfit.  Also among the crowd is an over-weight black woman in a pink and black tutu adorned with donuts with the alter-ego Big Momma; a crazy haired woman in a fur loin cloth and bra , bamboo staff, and bananas by the code name of Monkey Girl; and finally, I’ll just leave you with the just name of this guy: Feedback.

It goes without saying that these people are just a bit off.  But who am I to judge what passes for entertainment nowadays, right?  So I watch.  Turns out our “Jeff Probst” is none other than comic book legend Stan Lee, so I’m no mildly intrigued.  There has to be something going on here for Stan to sign his good name to this madness.  The first challenge that is issued to our champions is to go and help a little old lady into her house by going around back, jumping the fence, and going in through the open back door.  The catch: there are two trained attack dogs in the back yard that our heroes must navigate through.  Ah, now I am interested.

True some of these guys are fairly big, and sure our caped creatons are going to be wearing full canine proof training suits, but still this is interesting.  So one by one they go over the wall.  I was so amused watching these German Shepards slamming into these little girls and muscle-bound geeks, and to be honest, a bit surprised at the outcome.  Monkey Girl, who weighs in at maybe 110lbs struggled for just shy of ten minutes to make it all of fifteen yards to the door - but she made it.  Meanwhile this oversized shit-talker named Iron Inforcer (I think…) cried “uncle” (the command that would call off the dogs and subsequently end your challenge) when he tripped just inches from the door. 

Even more surprising was how Stan Lee chose who was “voted off the island”.  Cell Phone Girl (not making this up), called “uncle” just as soon as the dogs hit because she claimed to have a head ache.  Probably from the cancer that cell phones cause, but whatever.  Stan Lee axed her for being a quitter and not having the mindset of a superhero, and then he proceeded to chew into the other quitters.  Now, I’ve started to see.

What is the next thing that Stan Lee does for those who are remaining? He gives them a costume makeover.  Like I said, before they were in home-made costumes, so the new ones where a big step up… in most cases.  One of the guys got his new costume (which for the record was a bit dorky, but hey, lets remember where we are, right?), and at first told Stan that he loved it, only to then come back to Stan and say he didn’t like it after he was berated by a fellow supernerd.  Here’s the funniest shit though: the whole thing was a challenge.  That’s right, after getting their new duds, someone was going to get eliminated. 

The three on the block were amazing, if only because of the reasons why they were they there.  The first was the guy who complained about his costume; because lying is not a trait of a superhero, and he lied to Stan Lee about liking his costume.  The second was the douche who teased him; because superheroes make people feel good about themselves, they don’t put them down.  Finally, the last one was the big guy who came inches from the door in the last challenge then quiet, because he chose to still have a gun with his costume, and superheroes don’t hurt people, they help people.  The Justice Inforcer got the boot.

So I’m in love with this show on principal.  Most reality TV shows thrive off of the contestants being whiny, bitchy, catty, underhanded, cut-throat, maniacal, conniving, melodramatic, and all in all just mean people.  The only time that I can remember a “good” guy winning it all would be Survivor: Season III when Ethan won the by almost accident.  The thing about this show is that those traits will get you disqualified if you portray them.  Hallejullah!  I can get by the dorkiness of the show if just for once we can see people exibiting some of the most common levels of decency that people should contribute in their daily lives.  To not do so is not just unworthy of being heroic, but they are just unworthy of being a decent person.  Who cares if they are comic nerds; they are probably some of the few surviving demographics of our society that can still recognize integrity and virtue when it hits them.  That’s just good TV.  And Stan Lee is great at dolling it out.

How good?  That over-size jerk-off Iron Inforcer that was constantly saying he was big, smarter, and better than the others and still got eliminated for basically being an ass - at the end of the episode when he was leaving, Stan stops him and asks him to be a super villain to challenge the remaining super heroes.  And thus, Dark Inforcer is born.  Genius.

Looking for what’s left

Sorry I’ve been out of the loop for the last few days.  Tuesday, I went down to Fort Hood, TX and had PRK surgery done on both eyes.  Now, now, to be sure, this is not Lasik surgery, which means that the results of the surgery are not instant.  I am currently wearing these contact lens bandages for the last week, which I think are causes a bit of the blur that I am experiencing.  Still, things are beginning to clear up (the puns are never ending…), and now is the first day that I feel well enough to type up a post. 

My days have consisted of an endless stream of medications, drops, and vitamin C.  The first few days were simply spent with ice packs over my eyes waiting for the next time I had to shoot seven different kinds of eye junk into my covered cornea.  To my betterment, I have had a host of nurses that have been good enough to come over and give me the very best of bed care.    Of course, like most people in Oklahoma, they have taken the weekend off, which is fine; I’m getting around a bit more by myself anyway.  That and a slew of Vicodin, the course of whom I have shortened to, “going to hang out with Vick”.  Today, I’m actually considering trying to make it to the gym for a bit of a lift, but we’ll see.  I’m running out of things to do and eat in the house anyway.  And considering the times, cleaning out the pantry is a good thing.

You see, I’m leaving Lawton for the last time come a week from tomorrow.  From here, I’m finally heading out to Fort Bragg, NC to start the rest of my life.  Freshmen year, all over again as it would be.  Refreshing, I think.  With Laura officially leaving me about two weeks ago right around our one year mark, it seems fitting to start fresh in a new town, with a new job, with a clean slate.  And with any luck, I’ll have some new eyes to look at new girlies as well.