The Devil himself has probably redesigned Hell in light of information he has gained from observing airport layouts. ~ Anthony Price
It would seem that I can’t sit still. With travels all over the Carolinas, a 4th of July in Michigan, and eminent plans to see the UK and France in the coming month, it would certainly be fair to say that I’ve been on the go ever since returning from Central Asia , which would in turn imply that I have been on the go even before that. Nonetheless, not being one to turn down further exploration of our world at large, I would be a fool to turn down further ventures as I’ve had such admirable company shared in visiting such fine locals, however; the state of always being a ramblin’ man has left certain responsibilities as a home owner flapping in the breeze, sometime quiet literally, but that is a blog for another time…
My most recent flights through Chicago O’Hare have been interesting ones. The first had God himself seizing the opportunity to take pot-shots at my airplane with poorly aimed lightning bolts and the resulting turbulence from two massive high and low pressure systems slugging it out like round three of a Tyson/Riddick title bout. I’m not sure if I’ve taken anti-aircraft fire close enough to rock me in the air that bad, but I did enjoy the rather surreal experience… until they turned us around back to O’Hare and attempted to maroon the flight there for the subsequent night and morning. Resulting efforts included befriending a young corporate lady and hitching a ride to Kalamazoo on her company’s dime. Seemed very Americana . Dr. Thompson would have approved.
The way home the other day was equally lethargic. This time a three hour layover kept me pacing the seemingly endless terminals and gates of the Chicago airport. It’s an old technique that I’ve used throughout the years when I realize that my days exercise will culminate with me removing my carry-on from the overhead compartment and walking through a parking garage likely in an aimless fashion. Usually, a forty-pound knapsack and an hour or two of walking makes me feel a bit more fit and a tad more ready for a cool beverage once airborne. However, on this late afternoon, I turned to listening to the loud speaker and found that the USO had been refurbished and that, as normal, Soldiers, Airmen, Marines, and Seamen were all welcome to come, enjoy, and relax. Besides, I was walking that way anyhow.
Interestingly enough, the new USO was nowhere to be found in the terminal that I was directed to. Upon asking my friendly (and sleeping) TSA agent, I discovered that the new USO had been moved… outside of the terminal’s security check point.
I’ve only been to one other airport in the lower forty-eight in which this is the case (I’ll save that city the embarrassment of this rant). I asked the snoozing gent if there was any way of reaching the USO without going back out through the security check point, to which he claimed he was unsure. I would expect nothing less from an informed man who relieves women of forgotten cosmetics in their purses before boarding for a living. I circled for a moment until I found a grey-haired Chicago police officer atop a motorized standing scooter conversing with a vastly overweight local airport security officer. I directed the same question to them. They responded with an echoing ‘no’.
My retort, which they did not appreciate, was, “excuse me for saying so gentlemen, but doesn’t that seem fucking stupid to you?” Their heightened response was obviously due to a vested interest between the brotherhood of service men and law enforcement officials.
The aged Chicago police officer quickly explained that when the USO was inside of O’Hare security gates that all manner of people without boarding passes were let in, and that this caused problems with theft and vandalism, not to mention the security risk. Also, that if I would just show my military ID card to the TSA agents then I could cut to the front of the security line and get through the check point in an expedient manner as to catch my connecting flight. Finally, he concluded (breathlessly, I might add) by saying that the decision to put the USO outside of the terminal security check point was done with the Soldier in mind so that he could meet with his family more easily as they travelled through the area.
I’d heard enough bullshit. I stopped him right there, midway through a ramble about how his son was no longer in the service, and thank God for that, but his nephew, etc, etc; and began my counter point. To begin with, I explained to him that contrary to his apparent demographic research, most Soldiers aren’t from the Chicago area, so it would stand to reason that their families are not here also, and therefore placing the USO outside of the terminal security check point served an extreme minimal purpose in that regard to begin with. Further, Soldiers travelling home on leave or heading to combat theaters, something the USO caters almost exclusively to, are en route to their families or assigned unit, and with O’Hare being a major hub, it is likely that they only have a short period of time before their connecting flights are scheduled to depart. As a military member who has been deployed to three separate theaters, I explained to him that regardless of his reassurance that a speedily return through the check point is guaranteed, I’m still less likely to chance it when missing my flight would mean punishment under the Uniformed Code of Military Justice. I further explained that many smaller airports and jetports will issue a temporary pass, similar to a boarding pass, at the bag check area for family members with a current military IDs who register with the airlines so that they may pass into the airlines area and onto the USO. They are logged in a system and subject to the same security measures as anyone else, so I told him that I failed to see the problem that this would have on the airport or security personnel, especially since rumor has it that O’Hare does things “with the Soldier in mind”. Lastly, and most immediate, I explained that it was not centrally located and that it had taken me a brisk twenty minute walk to reach this terminal alone, when all I wanted was a can of Sprite – something that I would be unable to take back through the check point, regardless of how many patiently waiting civilians I would visibly cut in front of as they all turned and glared at the Soldier who was delaying them from their flight, which may or may not be currently be in the boarding process.
The police officer laughed at me and then asked where my flight was. Once I told him, he stated that there was no way that the terminal I had offered was twenty minutes away. I looked the gentleman up and down and asked if that was the case if I could borrow his scooter, because my flight was boarding in fifteen minutes. With that, I turned and walked away.
Of course, the encounter nettled me; things that I had said poorly, things that I had not said at all, and most of all, the lack of time that I had to fully engage the officers or lodge a formal complaint. For those of you who have never been to a USO, it is a wonderfully hospitable and charitable organization whose small, corner-pushed areas in large airports serve as havens to transient service men and women. They simply require your military ID card for access, and usually offer sandwiches, sodas, snacks, cakes, TVs, beds, free international and local phones, internet terminals, baby stations, family areas, and the like as well as countless veteran volunteers who are more than willing to listen to your story or tell you their’s. The unfortunate part of the USO is that it becomes reluctant refuge to all the ex-military security agents, police officers, and airport guards who work at these airports, many of who use it as their own private and privileged club full of free takeaway meals and small cubical areas from which they can hide from their supervisor to check their myspace or make a long distance phone call.
What I am not saying is that this moving of the USO at Chicago O’Hare International is some sort of conspiracy theory. What I am saying is that likely when asked, the veterans who chimed in when the airport senior leaders where thinking about moving the USO were likely not thinking about Soldiers and only about what was convenient to themselves. I would urge all of you who are travelling this summer through your local airport to ask where the USO is located, and if it is located outside the security area, remind as many airport staffers as you can find that the next time that a large group of returning US service men and women wander through their corridors that they should not stand and clap with the rest. Instead, scurry out beyond the security check point, hustle up the stairs, gather as many sandwiches and cokes as they can carry, and race back to those brave men and women before they have to board for their next flight. Then you may clap for them.